You on low self-esteem

Even though I had a whopping three blogs, I'm going to end the chapter on self-esteem. Not that I've improved my self-esteem, oh no. All I've managed to this month is get a haircut and cook up some beauty products from whatever I haven't snacked into oblivion in my kitchen.

Counselors say that we have something called a "self-esteem tank". When it is too low, we become irritable and tend to look for someone to blame for it. It's the classic "bully" scenario. Bully's are self-conscious, so they pick on other people to feel better and refill their self-esteem tank. It's also a reason why many couples fight. One person feels insecure, blames their partner, and through argues in attempt to lower their self-esteem to their level.

This next section of my little experiment here is going to be on relationships. I would like to focus on all of my relationships, boyfriend, family, friend, and work relationships. This, of course, is going to be a tall order, and possibly longer than my other segments.

Many of you are thinking, "Listen, Dr. Philamina, is any of this little red ribbon science fair project working?" And I'd say, "Shut up, they were yellow ribbons, and they said 'Honorable Mention', so there." Then, I'd tell you this: The everyday stress and not being able to do what I love is still frustrating and discouraging. I still end up in tears once a week, and write in my journal using only the mascara that runs down my cheeks and makes the poems of despair that only my soul knows. Sorry, I wanted to make that as emo as possible. Should I have added a raven of emptiness? No, save it. Next time. Next time.

ANYWAY, what has changed is my interactions with people. I don't want to throw a stapler across the room when someone interrupts my work anymore. I don't sigh as loudly as possible and roll my eyes when someone goes on and on in class. I don't make my emails to community college employees outwardly hostile. Just subtext-ually so. So, that's a start! I think having an overall positive look towards the human race is definitely a step in the right direction. Let's see if we can continue that this section.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion:(
Self-Esteem :(
Listen :/
Appreciate :/
Accept :(

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.”~C. Joybell C

Original Photo by http://paulwilkinson.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/mark-sayers-on-low-fuel-tank-faith/

The Straw that Breaks the Camels Back

My community college experience has become a lot like that time I hit myself in the face with a crowbar during a particularly rigorous summerstock change-over. For you muggles who are not theatrically inclined, change-over is when you take the set and lights from one show, then put up the set and lights for another, all within 48-72 hours. There were three days of waking up at 8 am and working until 3 am the next morning. I was frustrated with the safety conditions, the lack of breaks, the lack of food, and the fact that instead of watching fireworks on July 4th, I was using a pneumatic stapler to affix a patriotic table cloth to a folding table in the dark. In the privacy of our dorm rooms, I railed against these conditions. I bemoaned the disorganization of the process, while making emphatic gestures with my hands and occasionally changing my MySpace status to something vaguely emo. Which is a very old-fashioned phrase.I might have well just said, "And on Friday nights, we'd all go down to blockbuster video and rent the Simpsons video game for our Super Nintendo"

Anyway, on the last day of change over, two other girls and I were assigned to rip up parts of the old set with crowbars and hammers. I was exhausted and bitter, and now I was spending eight hours ripping pieces of wood apart for recycling. All I'd eaten that day was handfuls of peanut M&Ms I stole from a giant bag in the shop. At one point in my delirium, as I was prying apart what used to be the rocky mountain in Pirate's of Penzance, I made a stupid mistake and the crowbar slipped and flew back into my face.
The girls looked up and shouted, "Oh my god, are you ok?" But I had nothing left. No more complaints. No more swear words. Nothing but submission. "I'm gonna take a five. And then I'm going to come back and finish this," was all I could muster. For the rest of the process, I was completely compliant. "You want me to do what? Sure. Sure. Just don't hurt my face anymore."

And that my friends, is what community college is like. You will rant, and you will rail. You will sign petitions, and you will raise your voice in a public institution of education. You will threaten to sue, and write letters of complaints. And then at some point, something will happen. You will get hit with the crowbar. And you've got nothing left. Nothing but a few tears in front of the admissions office and the prayer that they won't hurt your face anymore.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :/
Passion :)
Healthy :(
Big Picture :)
Affirmations :(

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."~Randy Pausch

Original Pic http://seejanenurse.wordpress.com/2007/10/

Do's and don'ts for feeling like a rockstar

This section of my project is turning out to be harder than I thought. Maybe it's stress from work and school. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been eating well over the past week or two. Maybe it's the fact that my current ensemble is an over-sized Miller High Life t-shirt and my ex-roommate's break-away sweat pants.

There are certain things that will help your self-confidence, and things that will hurt it.

Things that boost yourself confidence

1. Working out. Just don't look at your reflection in the store windows as you run past.

2. Teaching. Find someone who wants to learn to do what you do, and then teach them what you know.

3. Fixing yourself up. Personal mantra? Try to always look the way you'd want to if you ran into your worst enemy or Ryan Gosling.

4. Act the way you wish you felt. It's that whole "smiling well actually make you feel happier" thing. Acting confident makes you feel confident. Try entering a room like everyone in it has been eagerly awaiting your arrival. But don't open the door like Kramer or anything. Keep cool.

5. Dance to club music while you're alone in the house. Think body rolls, hair flips, the whole rigmarole. Again, don't catch yourself in the mirror. You don't wanna know how ridiculous you look.

Things that crumple your confidence like a failed spelling quiz that you don't wanna show your parents and so you throw it in the girl's room trash bin.

1. Hanging out with dancers. Or standing next to them for that matter. Enough said.

2. Getting in over your head. Being handed an assignment beyond your skills. Singing a song that's out of your range. Trying to decipher the tech manual for a new mail machine.

3. Eating tortilla chips for dinner. Nothing makes you feel more poor or less healthy.This should really only be done when having Margaritas with friends and the restaurant has free chip and salsa refills.

4. Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, enough said.

5. Attempting to save up to something, only to realize that this means that you not only can't afford a cab, you can't afford public transit. I can't keep track of those little SEPTA coins anyway. I usually end up using them to try to buy dinner trail mix from the community college vending machines.

Re-read that last sentence and tell me why the light's come on on my self-esteem tank.

Thankfuls

26. Lazy sundays
27. Christmas parties
28. Trashy reality TV
29. Long drives
30. Coffee

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :)
Healthy :/
Big Picture :(
Affirmations :(

"Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself"~Anthony Trollope

Photo by http://www.multiplesandmore.com/expert-interviews/self-confidence-and-involvement-in-activities/