Propping Chairs Under Doorknobs: The "Real" Job

Propping Chairs Under Doorknobs: The "Real" Job: Remember how I said this wouldn't become a wedding blog? Well, it didn't! It just died. This blog was like Old Yeller, if Old Yeller...

The "Real" Job

Remember how I said this wouldn't become a wedding blog? Well, it didn't! It just died. This blog was like Old Yeller, if Old Yeller could talk and saw "Nah, man. I'm not a wedding blog! You don't have to take me out back. I thought we was tight!"

I've  never read Old Yeller.

But, like a zombie beagle ascending from the grave, here we are again. Just me, my thoughts on things, and you--dedicated reader, who somehow found this blog while trying to look up a vegan cookie recipe on Pinterest.

I love how when artists talk about people who have left the industry, it's like they are talking about someone who has developed a terminal disease. "Remember that actress who was in Blacklight Theatre's production of  The Crucible and that commercial for Shop Rite with the ethnically ambiguous family? I heard she went into marketing for a tech start-up..." Pause here for dramatic effect, tsks, and silent head shaking and crossing ourselves. 

We're not sad, not really. In fact, we're probably trying to hide our feeling of slight superiority, because goddamn it, we're still here! Still holdin' on! They may have a steady paycheck and health insurance, but we have our passion and dedication! It doesn't even matter to us if they like their new jobs. They couldn't possibly, right? I mean, they're total sell-outs. That look of contentment and pleasant demeanor? They probably just ate a donut.

Right before I began freelancing as an actor, an actor-friend of mine (meaning she was a friend and an actor, not that she was someone I hired to act as my friend. Though for the record, I'm not above that.) wished me luck, and said "I just haven't figured out how to make it work." She meant life as an artist. "What's to figure out?" I thought, "You get a job at Starbucks, you audition your butt off, you get a show as often as you can, and you live out your days sipping coffee and advising young artists on how to be artists while sounding  a lot like Dame Maggie Smith or Dame Judi Dench. Either way, you should be British, by then. Like, honorarily British, for all your theatrical knowledge."

 The next year, while working seven jobs, an accountant-friend of mine (see above explanation. And I hope he would do my taxes for free.), said "You're an actor? That's awesome. I really admire people who pursue what they love." I was living off of my savings, my parents were paying for my health insurance, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually been in a show. I did not feel admirable.

My question is, must it always be one or the other? Must we be sitting in an attic somewhere, wearing pants with patches on them, clutching an old afghan around our shoulders to keep out the chill, while staring out at the cold streets of the city, and eating stale bread to create our art? Must we feel empty inside and fall asleep in online meetings where there are literally buttons you press to express your emotions (press the clap button to praise someone! press the lol button for the laughing smiley face!) and take our only joy from our lunch breaks to have a "successful" career and support our families? Yesterday, I heard someone say, "At work? Or in real life?" What!? Most people work 40 hours a week, on a slow week. That's a quarter of your life--that's not real? Do you go into the Matrix from 9-5 everyday?

Where is the balance? Regarding my career, someone recently said "Kristen used to be an actress, but I think she's giving that up." Why? Because I have a steady job? Do these things have to be mutually exclusive? I laughed it off, of course, because I'm an American, and we laugh at things that make us uncomfortable. But I wanted to shout out "Never!" and then surf into a crushing wave like Patrick Swayze at the end of point break. Let's all just stop worrying so much about what other people decide to do and agree that we don't have to be one or the other. We don't have to be an artist and be poor, we don't have to be office employees and dislike our work, we don't have to be mothers and not be leaders in our career fields, we don't have to be fathers and not be equal contributors in the home. I guess we don't really have to be anything.

"Illusions, Dad. You don't have time for my Illusions!"

This blog has suffered some serious neglect, reader. This is partially due to the wedding process, which has replaced my blog writing time with trying to convince DJs not to play "Let's get ready to rumble" as our reception entrance song and contemplating throwing the Macy's reception gun into a display of Stuben glass because you can't decide which brand of mixing bowl you want. I haven't been completely slacking, though. Part of this time was spent inching my way through the book "How to Create a Magical Relationship" by Ariel and Shya Kane.

Now, you may think this sounds like a corny self-help book, written by two people with total hippy names. And you would be right. This book was really more of an advertisement for the couple's weekend relationship seminars, and less of an actual guide for healthy relationship. This humorless couple spends 300 pages patting themselves on the back and taking things too seriously (there's even a part where they borderline freak out about the phrase "better half." Let's take a joke, shall we, hippies?)  Basically, the theme of the book is "We are awesome. You'll never be as awesome as us, but pay $300 for our seminars and you can certainly try."

What should I have expected? The book has the word "magic" in the title. I should've prepared for some fluffy, rainbow BS. Still, there has to be something good to extract from this reading experience. One of the things that I actually did take from the book was that most fights between people come from a person's innate need to be right. The Kane's propose that the need to be "right" keeps us from being "alive." Stay with me, skeptics. Have you ever had a fight with your partner, where you said "Oranges are the best fruit!" and your partner has said, "Well, I've always loved blueberries, but now that you mention it, I agree with you. Oranges are the best fruit, and I apologize for thinking otherwise." No? That's because that interaction doesn't exist. What really happens is you say "Oranges are the best fruit!" Your partner says "Blueberries are the best fruit, and you never listen to my opinion." Then, you say "Never listen to your opinion! Are you kidding me?" And World War III has begun.

How do we get over this obsession with being right? Growing up, I had a Tapanga Laurence-type pension for always being the one to raise my hand in class. It made me SUPER popular in junior high, I'll tell you that.   How do we let go, especially in the heat of the moment, when you know you are SO right and the other person is SO wrong? Most of the self-help books have said that if you want good relationships, you cannot concentrate on changing other people, but on changing your reaction to them. They suggest saying to yourself "What did I do to contribute to the problem?" This is difficult, because at least my gut reaction in the heat of the moment is "Nothing! I am the queen of everything and you are all pawns!" But if you really search for it, you can probably talk yourself down from your anger and into better state, where you can accept the fact that you don't need to convince someone else that you're right.

So, that's what I took from this one. I can tell you though, my next self-help book won't sound like a text book from Hogwarts.

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way  it does not exist," Friedrich Nietzsche.

Getting off the bus

I decided to take some advice from the book Decisions, Decisions. This book says that we often make decisions in avoidance of what we don't want instead of in the direction of what we do want. For example, we decide not to join a gym because we don't want to pay the money, look silly in front of others , or fail to meet our fitness goals. Instead, we should think of what we do want (to be healthier) and make a decision towards that (join the gym). I started Community College four years ago, because I needed a new direction and a goal to work on. After four years, I realized that I didn't feel the "match and fit" in the career I was pursuing. By "match and fit", I mean the feeling you get when you know you are in the career or on the right path. You may remember me complaining that I felt like I was on the wrong bus. Well, I left that career path and managed to stop the bus. While scary, I feel like it was the right decision for me. I don't feel panicked or stuck anymore.

 However, now that I have hopped off the bus, I'm not sure where I am. Please imagine me staring a faded public transit map in the middle of nowhere. Maybe a tumbleweed passes by. I don't know, it's your imagination. So now, while I'm not headed the wrong way anymore, I'm not sure which direction I'm supposed to be headed, or what bus, train, or dirigible I'm supposed to hop on to get there.

I began contemplating grad school today. I know, how very late-20's of me, right? Still, I felt like it was decision in the direction of what I want--mainly, all theatre, all the time! Then, there come the creeping doubts. How long will it take? How much will it cost? What if I can't get a teaching job when I done? What if I end up on the wrong bus again? Or back at this depot with my faded map and my tumbleweed?



If someone knows where I am and would like to give me a ride to where I'm going, I'd sure appreciate it.

"A musician must make his music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself."
- Abraham Maslow

Help me help you help me

There's a new mascara called "Club Crusher." I think this would have been a great mascara for my early twenties, but what about now? What do we call the mascara for us ladies in our late twenties? Here's a few titles I've thought up:

The "It's hard to go out on Friday nighter"

The "All my friends are getting married, having kids, or moving away-er"

The "Really late 401K starter"

The "The three beer hangover"

The "It's too loud in Hollister"

I should also mention that my mascara would never run or need to be reapplied. It would just stay on there forever or until my eyelashes fall out and I have to get permanent false ones like J-Woww. Hers only come off when she gets punched in the face.

With all the angst and uncertainty we 20 year olds enjoy, it's maybe not surprising that I love self-help literature. Here's a list of the recent reads and old favorites.

1. He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called a Break-Up Cuz It's Broken by Greg Behrendt. I know, I  know. Cliche, right? Why don't I just dig into a tub of Ben and Jerry's and pop in a Sex and the City Marathon. Because I don't own the box set and I'm trying to stay fit for the wedding, otherwise don't think I wouldn't. Anyway, you need these books in your life to survive the dating world. They were pretty much my bibles. You can't have two bibles, you? Well, they were like the Old and New Testament then.

2. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman: I should let you all know that I read a lot of books on relationships, but not because my fiance and I don't get along. On the contrary, I believe in learning more about communicating while things are going well, so that you can prevent conflict and feel closer to your partner.

2. Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson. See above.

3.  The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. See my previous blogs

4. Decisions, Decisions by Dr. Randy Green.

5.  Magical Relationships by Ariel and Shya Kane.

Most of these I have read to improve my decision making and communication skills, with varying degrees of success. What I found interesting, was that a lot of these books came back to the idea of mindfulness. We can only make decisions when we are at a state of readiness. Annoying habits do not bother us when we do not judge these habits as good or bad. I noticed how helpful mindfulness was when I was working on my happiness project, but I find it ridiculously hard to keep up.  Why stay in the present when in my day dreams I'm a broadway star with six pack abs  who never spills food on herself when she eats? Too often, our dreams turn to worries. Or imaginary fights that never happened or will happen, but we have them in our heads that way we'll have the perfect comeback when the sociology teacher doesn't want to give us credit for our last community college class.

So, mindfulness. That's the goal. Listening, feeling, seeing, and experiencing each moment instead of dreaming about Huey Lewis and the News playing at our wedding or what I should have said to susie what's-her-face in fifth grade when she threw me in the mud.

"“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.”- Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making

Photo by http://www.loudoun.k12.va.us/roundhill

This will NOT become a wedding blog

Many of you readers connect to this blog through Facebook, which is awesome sauce, so you probably know that I got engaged over Christmas. I couldn't think of a better time to work on improving my personal relationships, because as it turns out, weddings have a lot to do with people. In some of the communication books I have been reading, they discuss the importance of listening, appreciating, and accepting. I have always struggled with listening. I once read a therapists analysis of me as a child, and basically they said I spent the entire class period staring out the window and sighing to myself. I like that I developed a general sense of ennui early in life. That usually takes people years to achieve. I do, however, remember devising ways to squeeze out the bathroom window and into the ditch by the school so I could catch tadpoles. What was I saying? Oh yeah, bad at listening. So, let's start with appreciation. Here is a one-word(ish) list of things I appreciate about people.

I appreciate:

My mother's loyalty.
My father's even-temper.
My fiance's empathy.
My sister's knowledge.
My brother's work ethic.
My sister-in-laws self-confidence.
My best friend's street-smarts.
My other best friend's maturity.
My grandmothers' dignity
My grandfather's smile
My other grandmother's wit.

That's just a short list, but it's a good start towards not taking people for granted.

I've also been thinking about what this blog is. Is it an advice column? Lord, no. Is it a happiness project? Not really? Is it the infrequent musings of a total spaz? Most definitely. There is a theme developing, and that is Self-Help Books.

I'm a total sucker for self-help, and here's why. I have a strong belief that everyone wants to be reassured that they are not nuts. Self-help books show you not only that your are not alone in your crazy ways, but that there are people out there who are crazier than you! I don't want this to become a blog book report, where I discuss the underlying themes in A Wrinkle in Time (that author was on shrooms, I am sure) or A Bridge to Terabithia (which taught me at a young age that life is going to be really sad), but an experiment and review. I'll read different books, try some of their suggestions, and report back to you on if it worked, or if it got me fired for turning my fourth-floor accounting office into a yoga studio or something.

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."~Voltaire

Pic by:
http://synaptoman.wordpress.com/2007/07/10/self-help-for-dummies-chapter-3/

You on low self-esteem

Even though I had a whopping three blogs, I'm going to end the chapter on self-esteem. Not that I've improved my self-esteem, oh no. All I've managed to this month is get a haircut and cook up some beauty products from whatever I haven't snacked into oblivion in my kitchen.

Counselors say that we have something called a "self-esteem tank". When it is too low, we become irritable and tend to look for someone to blame for it. It's the classic "bully" scenario. Bully's are self-conscious, so they pick on other people to feel better and refill their self-esteem tank. It's also a reason why many couples fight. One person feels insecure, blames their partner, and through argues in attempt to lower their self-esteem to their level.

This next section of my little experiment here is going to be on relationships. I would like to focus on all of my relationships, boyfriend, family, friend, and work relationships. This, of course, is going to be a tall order, and possibly longer than my other segments.

Many of you are thinking, "Listen, Dr. Philamina, is any of this little red ribbon science fair project working?" And I'd say, "Shut up, they were yellow ribbons, and they said 'Honorable Mention', so there." Then, I'd tell you this: The everyday stress and not being able to do what I love is still frustrating and discouraging. I still end up in tears once a week, and write in my journal using only the mascara that runs down my cheeks and makes the poems of despair that only my soul knows. Sorry, I wanted to make that as emo as possible. Should I have added a raven of emptiness? No, save it. Next time. Next time.

ANYWAY, what has changed is my interactions with people. I don't want to throw a stapler across the room when someone interrupts my work anymore. I don't sigh as loudly as possible and roll my eyes when someone goes on and on in class. I don't make my emails to community college employees outwardly hostile. Just subtext-ually so. So, that's a start! I think having an overall positive look towards the human race is definitely a step in the right direction. Let's see if we can continue that this section.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion:(
Self-Esteem :(
Listen :/
Appreciate :/
Accept :(

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.”~C. Joybell C

Original Photo by http://paulwilkinson.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/mark-sayers-on-low-fuel-tank-faith/

The Straw that Breaks the Camels Back

My community college experience has become a lot like that time I hit myself in the face with a crowbar during a particularly rigorous summerstock change-over. For you muggles who are not theatrically inclined, change-over is when you take the set and lights from one show, then put up the set and lights for another, all within 48-72 hours. There were three days of waking up at 8 am and working until 3 am the next morning. I was frustrated with the safety conditions, the lack of breaks, the lack of food, and the fact that instead of watching fireworks on July 4th, I was using a pneumatic stapler to affix a patriotic table cloth to a folding table in the dark. In the privacy of our dorm rooms, I railed against these conditions. I bemoaned the disorganization of the process, while making emphatic gestures with my hands and occasionally changing my MySpace status to something vaguely emo. Which is a very old-fashioned phrase.I might have well just said, "And on Friday nights, we'd all go down to blockbuster video and rent the Simpsons video game for our Super Nintendo"

Anyway, on the last day of change over, two other girls and I were assigned to rip up parts of the old set with crowbars and hammers. I was exhausted and bitter, and now I was spending eight hours ripping pieces of wood apart for recycling. All I'd eaten that day was handfuls of peanut M&Ms I stole from a giant bag in the shop. At one point in my delirium, as I was prying apart what used to be the rocky mountain in Pirate's of Penzance, I made a stupid mistake and the crowbar slipped and flew back into my face.
The girls looked up and shouted, "Oh my god, are you ok?" But I had nothing left. No more complaints. No more swear words. Nothing but submission. "I'm gonna take a five. And then I'm going to come back and finish this," was all I could muster. For the rest of the process, I was completely compliant. "You want me to do what? Sure. Sure. Just don't hurt my face anymore."

And that my friends, is what community college is like. You will rant, and you will rail. You will sign petitions, and you will raise your voice in a public institution of education. You will threaten to sue, and write letters of complaints. And then at some point, something will happen. You will get hit with the crowbar. And you've got nothing left. Nothing but a few tears in front of the admissions office and the prayer that they won't hurt your face anymore.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :/
Passion :)
Healthy :(
Big Picture :)
Affirmations :(

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."~Randy Pausch

Original Pic http://seejanenurse.wordpress.com/2007/10/

Do's and don'ts for feeling like a rockstar

This section of my project is turning out to be harder than I thought. Maybe it's stress from work and school. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been eating well over the past week or two. Maybe it's the fact that my current ensemble is an over-sized Miller High Life t-shirt and my ex-roommate's break-away sweat pants.

There are certain things that will help your self-confidence, and things that will hurt it.

Things that boost yourself confidence

1. Working out. Just don't look at your reflection in the store windows as you run past.

2. Teaching. Find someone who wants to learn to do what you do, and then teach them what you know.

3. Fixing yourself up. Personal mantra? Try to always look the way you'd want to if you ran into your worst enemy or Ryan Gosling.

4. Act the way you wish you felt. It's that whole "smiling well actually make you feel happier" thing. Acting confident makes you feel confident. Try entering a room like everyone in it has been eagerly awaiting your arrival. But don't open the door like Kramer or anything. Keep cool.

5. Dance to club music while you're alone in the house. Think body rolls, hair flips, the whole rigmarole. Again, don't catch yourself in the mirror. You don't wanna know how ridiculous you look.

Things that crumple your confidence like a failed spelling quiz that you don't wanna show your parents and so you throw it in the girl's room trash bin.

1. Hanging out with dancers. Or standing next to them for that matter. Enough said.

2. Getting in over your head. Being handed an assignment beyond your skills. Singing a song that's out of your range. Trying to decipher the tech manual for a new mail machine.

3. Eating tortilla chips for dinner. Nothing makes you feel more poor or less healthy.This should really only be done when having Margaritas with friends and the restaurant has free chip and salsa refills.

4. Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, enough said.

5. Attempting to save up to something, only to realize that this means that you not only can't afford a cab, you can't afford public transit. I can't keep track of those little SEPTA coins anyway. I usually end up using them to try to buy dinner trail mix from the community college vending machines.

Re-read that last sentence and tell me why the light's come on on my self-esteem tank.

Thankfuls

26. Lazy sundays
27. Christmas parties
28. Trashy reality TV
29. Long drives
30. Coffee

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :)
Healthy :/
Big Picture :(
Affirmations :(

"Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself"~Anthony Trollope

Photo by http://www.multiplesandmore.com/expert-interviews/self-confidence-and-involvement-in-activities/

B-list Self Help for a Z-list Actor

I've got to be nuts to start a segment on Self-Confidence during the holidays. Nothing makes you feel less attractive than finishing off a quarter of a pan of mac and cheese and then eating four pieces of pie. It seemed cliche to save self-esteem for January, when we're all hitting the gym with vigor and promising ourselves that this year will be different, only to abandon our dreams to the snooze button and some elastic waist track pants. Therefore, I presented myself with a challenge. Trying to stay healthy and positive during the holidays. How's it going you ask? Not great, reader. Not great.

I started off by perusing the self-help section of my local used book store. It occurred to me that this might not be the best idea, as these books have clearly been used and discarded as not super helpful (or perhaps used as a found-weapon against a loved one), but hey, they're four dollars a pop and I don't argue with math.

Self-help sections are hilarious. I passed by volumes called "Love is for the loving!" "Why men need women who need men who need dogs" and "You don't know that he knows the you know he's just not that into you." I flipped through a book called "City Chick!", which gave me various bits of insight on how to successfully get my groove back. I glanced at various "rules of success" from different B-list celebrities like Tori Spelling and Tia and/or Tamara Lowry (and no this is not an ad for their upcoming ABC family original movie on their 25 Days of Christmas programming). The conclusion I came to is this: %90 of self-help books are geared towards women.

What is wrong with us ladies that we need to help ourselves so much? Or is it that women are more likely to look for solutions to negative emotions than men are? Are men more embarrassed and therefore less likely to read these books? Or are we as women so self-conscious that we are constantly trying to fix something about ourselves?

I left without a book on improving self-esteem. Instead, I'm sticking to my rules of staying healthy, giving myself positive affirmations, and looking at the big picture.


Simplicity :/
Energy :/
Mindfulness:/
Passion :/
Healthy :(
Affirmation :(
Big Picture :/

Things I'm thankful for:

20. My boyfriend's sister in law for making such a kickass Thanksgiving dinner.
21. Hikes in National Parks with my bf
22. Red Wine
23. Christmas Shopping
24. The internet
25. Live theatre

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”~George Carlin

Be you!...except cooler...and with better posture

So, I'm gonna put this little section on Passions to rest. Well, not to rest exactly. More like in an open file in my mini-filing cabinet which I'm pretty sure is still full of mismatching socks. Here's what we have learned in our little adventure in Passion-land, which coincidentally is the name of an adult book store on South Street.

1. Novel writing sucks.
2. As it turns out, failing? Not so fun.
3. Choices are bad. They are bad, they are toxic, and they cause decision fatigue. If I ever find Eve, I'm gonna show her the back of my hand for biting into that apple.
4. Your eye does not want to be covered in sunscreen.
5. You're not missing out on anything.


You may read this and say, "Well, aren't we a Negative Nancy today?" And I'd say "No, because Negative Nancy was a superhero who taught us about integers in fourth grade math." Then, I'd tell you that my chapter on Passion hasn't been a total bust. I actually learned a couple things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't want a desk job. Over the past couple of months I have thought about accepting my fate as a future cubicle-occupant. I really thought it would make my life easier. Then I realized, I'm not Fletcher. I'm Dick Tracy, goddamnit! Yet, somehow this month has redirected me towards my goal of doing something in performance/sign language/teaching. This may sound vague to you, but it is a significant narrowing down for me.

I also discovered a new passion. Well, it's more of a rediscovered passion that I've secretly loved all along. And no, it's not Settlers of Catan or any other nerd board games. It's simply this: comedy.

My sister very smartly gave me both "Bossypants" and "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me." Both written by famous women in comedy. Because of their stories, I had a rush of memories of watching Friday night stand up with my brother, performing improv scenes so good you have no idea how you did it, and sitting around the table and listening to an entire Jerry Seinfeld CD in Vermont. I had completely forgotten how much I love comedy. How long has it been since I've seen a good stand-up show? How many times do I start a sentence with, "There's this one bit that goes like this..." and then repeat a hysterical joke in a completely dorky and unfunny way? Of course! Comedy.

This next section is gonna be about Self-Esteem, so get ready for some delightfully feminist "I am woman, hear me roar"s, sprinkled with the occasional whimsical, "Ain't I the bees-knees!" See below for three new and exciting goals.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :/
Be healthy :/
Look at the big picture :(
Affirmations :(

Thankfuls:

16. My beautiful niece Alexandra. I've definitely become one of those aunts whose like, "This baby's the prettiest! All others bow to her!"

17. Bizzaro's Pizza in Melbourne. Twice in one weekend is definitely not excessive.

18. Trashy reality television. Is there anything more relaxing two sexually charged twenty something attempt to pummel each other with a giant fish?

19. A steady paycheck. This may seem commonplace, but for someone who has tried to save up for Christmas presents on a fluctuating income, it rocks.

More Quick Thank you's

Things I am thankful for:

14. My physicality: I was gonna say "my body," but that sounded like a line from a "What happens during puberty" book they hand out in the sixth grade, along with the iron chastity belts they distribute at those abstinence only schools. I'm thankful that I have two fully functioning legs that like to run and walk all over town. I am thankful that I like my figure. I'm thankful that I'm tall enough to be a Rockette, even if I will never be able to kick much higher than my waist. I am thankful I am healthy. I am thankful that my hair is manageable, even if I decide not to manage it and let it do whatever the hell it wants.

15. Ricotta Gnocchi with Truffle Oil: Yeah, I don't think I have to say anything else.

Your FOMO and You

By now, we've all heard of FOMO, right? Well, maybe not. I had to have a t-shirt explain to me what YOLO meant (If you're as out of touch with the kids as I am, it means "You Only Live Once"). So, FOMO is the "Fear of Missing Out." It's been used to describe the condition that young adults in the Facebook generation suffer from. Basically, we glamorize our lives on social networks, thereby making them look much better/more interesting than they are. We then see other peoples pictures and status updates and think that they are leading better lives than us. We are obsessed with checking our facebook pages to make sure we're not missing out on anything, even though all it does is make us feel like we're missing out on everything.

I read an article the other day that actually hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I've been feeling. Many people think FOMO is just a social issue; We have a fear of missing out on parties and events, and we're worried that everyone is hanging out without us. However, this article stated, and I agree, that FOMO encompasses our careers, or living situations, and our entire life. Twenty-somethings have a fear that they are living the wrong life. We have all the opportunities in the world, and that paralyzes us. We are afraid that there is a better job we could be doing, that there is a different city we should be living in, that we should be living a different life. The article talks about "decision fatigue", which I thought was brilliant, because what have I been saying about choices? For those of you who missed the quiz review, choices = BAD.

Growing up, I certainly didn't enjoy going to school. I'm not sure I knew any kids who did. But there wasn't a choice. That's just what you do as a kid. While I didn't like it, I didn't feel "wrong" for going. Now, plenty of people don't like their job, but for twenty somethings it's more than just not liking our work. It's that we don't feel right doing it. We feel like everyday is a step down a path that we are not supposed to be on. It's like when you're dreaming,and you're on a bus headed to the mall. But then you suddenly realize, you're supposed to be at work. You're pulling the cord and telling the bus driver to stop, but everyone ignores you and you can't get anyone to understand your panic that you are on the WRONG bus.

I wish I had the answer to this one, friends. I don't know why my particular age group suffers so acutely from FOMO. The article I read stated that it is not a problem to be fixed, but part of the modern twenties experience. It is what motivates us not to settle for less and to be ambitious at finding what we want. I would just like to feel like I'm on the right bus.

13. I am thankful for my Dad. Who talks calmly to me when I'm sobbing so hard I have the hiccups. Who is my guru when it comes to anything business, writing, running, or boat related. Who never gives up on me, even when I am being a total brat.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :/
Find Time :(
Don't Apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"~Talking Heads

Photo from http://mbadventure.com/2011/12/03/fomo-is-a-mofo/

Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Day

Hey there! Are you having a terrific day? Are you looking to turn that day around? Here's some tips on ways to absolutely spoil your day.

1. Go to wipe something off your face and accidentally cover your eyeball in sunscreen. Commence searing pain, screaming, and jumping up and down with a towel pressed to your eye.

2. Bring your lunch to work and have someone throw the whole thing out when they decide to clean out the office mini-fridge. That way you can be hangry and then carbo-load on free bagels.

3. Try to make a major life decision while your eye is watering and your blood-sugar is on a tilt-o-whirl.

Now, in case you need to reverse the process ( but why would you want to?) Here's some ways to get you back on track.

1. Get a big hug from your bf.

2. Drink some boxed wine and sing "The Ladies who Lunch" at the top of your lungs.

3. Watch back to back episodes of "Teen Mom 2" and remind yourself that things could be WAY worse.

Things I am thankful for:

10. My voice. Not in a conceited way, I don't think I'm Audra McDonald or anything. But I love that I can sing, and I love that I have a low, man-ish voice like I'm a madame from the 20's or something.

11. Showtunes. Since I was a little kid, when I discover a new show I like I download the soundtrack and listen to it until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. Then I forget about it. Then I re-discover it and fall in love all over it. I can't tell you how many times I've done this with A Chorus Line and Once Upon a Mattress There is nothing like singing as loud as you can and making up the tap moves to "I can do that" even though you suck at tap-dancing and that song was written for a boy.

12.Philadelphia. Sure the city gets me down sometimes, but there's something so nice about how quiet the streets are in the morning, how the sunrises over the Delaware, how there are always dogs to be spotted in the park. I love walking instead of driving, I love the hip new restaurants we have, and living among historic stuff I don't remember the name of.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"You can have a bad day, but as soon as you set foot on that stage it's joyous."~Glenn Tipton

Photo by http://www.interviewing.com/bad-day-doesnt-have-to-mean-a-bad-interview/

Quick Thank you

Day 7:

I am thankful for an afternoon with a cup of coffee, some reading for school, and back to back episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.

Day: 8

I am thankful for Friday nights on the couch, in sweatpants, with take-out, laughing with my bf.

Day 9:

I am thankful for the game of Celebrity and for my old summerstock friends for teaching it to me so long ago.

A Novel Pain

This is my happiness project right? So, I can do whatever I like right? So when I tell you that I am quitting National Novel Month, you're not going to hack into my profile, find my address, and egg my apartment, right?

Truthfully, I hate my book. Hate, hate, hate it. I am SO bored writing it that I can't imagine any young adult would make it past the first page. All writing a novel was doing was making me anxious, bored, and fat.

I mean, clearly, I love writing. Everyday, I look forward to typing up this silly little blog so that it will reach the extensive audience of my mom and one person in Germany. I also have come up with two new plays I am interested in writing, but I don't want to continue to write a book that I'm not inspired to write. Maybe someday I'll write a memoir book like David Sedaris or Tina Fey. I better start making up so fake names, because no way my friends want to be in that.

Speaking of memoir-ish books, I am currently reading Mindy Kaling's book "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?" I highly recommend it and am enjoying it even more that Tina Fey's "Bossypants". Shocking, I know. But Mindy has a concern in her book that I can relate to. Mindy is wicked smart, having gone to Dartmouth and excelled there. She describes her fear of going from "Dartmouth to Dirtbag" as she says. This is when instead of the underdog excelling and ruling the world after college, the over-educated, talented girl goes from the top of her class to being a permanent nanny. Hipsters now call this being under-employed. I struggle with this as well. School was the most important thing in my life for 17 years. In college, I became a big fish in a small pond. As a college senior, I was literally the annoying girl who they would bring prospective students to, as a shining example of potential stardom and theatrical success.

Now, do you need to revisit my page on all the side jobs I've held? I'll wait.

Welcome back. So, you see what I'm saying? Now, Rollins is no Dartmouth, but leaving it I had a plan, a prestigious apprenticeship, and an unfounded sense of self-confidence. So, what do I do now? I feel like I am going from Rollins to...Recalcitrant (that was the only word I could find in the thesaurus that started with R). Well, I am going to follow Mindy's path and see if that lands me a hit off-Broadway show and then I position as a TV writer for a popular sitcom.

I will allow all of you to say you knew me when.

Simplicity :)
Energy :)
Mindfulness :(
Find Time :)
Don't apologize :/
Fun in failure :)

"Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."-John D. Rockefeller

Original photo by http://www.financefox.ca/doneblogging/

Give me liberty, or give me...at least five minutes to hide in the ladies room

On the days of Thankfulness

1. I am thankful for my mom, who tells me I'm not crazy, when I probably am. Who loves diets as much as I do which conflicts directly with our mutual love of ice cream. Who lets me be free.

That word there is another key to happiness--"free". Whatever that means to you, it's probably a big part of your happiness. I mean, we didn't throw those cases of tea off the British ships for nothing. Think about it, have you ever ever heard some one say, "This is the best time of my life--I am completely confined and have absolutely no say in what I do and the chain that is holding me to this anvil barely chafes at all!" Probably not?.

What does freedom mean? Please don't send me your third-grade President's day essays, because I do not have time to read them. I have a novel to write, gosh dern it! Man, I should really get on that. ANYWAY, I have felt freedom in a cathartic way at several points in life. Many times, it is relative, in that I-didnt-know-how-trapped-I-was kinda way. This is the freedom you feel when the bus driver let's the counselors off the bus to use the restroom without the campers after you've spent the entire day at Hershey Park with them. I have never run off a bus so fast. I vaguely remember skipping through the parking lot yelling "I'm free!"

Often it comes with a place, and sometimes it's that feeling of a fresh start. I felt this the first time I spent a summer in Vermont or when I first moved to Philadelphia and realized I didn't know anyone. Sometimes, it's the freedom of feeling completely comfortable somewhere. I felt this as I looked out my farmhouse window in Maine, knowing that all I had to do that day was be in a play and then drink red wine on the porch with my friends.

Let's look at the ingredients of freedom:

1. Financial security: You don't have to make a lot, but face it, you are not very free if you do not think you are going to make rent this month.

2. The ability to choose, but the lack of choices: I've said it over and over again, people DON'T LIKE having a lot of options. BUT we need the ability to choose regardless. In Maine, it was should I watch a movie in the farmhouse or go for a swim in the lake? Those were pretty much your only options. Still, if I had been told I HAD to swim in the lake, I would not have enjoyed it that much.

3. Self-reliance: My mother always tells me that it's different when you have your own kids, but it's hard to feel free with little ones (or maybe not so little ones) relying on you everyday. Being sure of yourself and happy with yourself without the neediness of other people is an ingredient of freedom.

4. Simplicity: It's one of my goals for a reason. There is not a lot of freedom in running between three jobs, juggling a social life, and racing up to school. I felt more freedom when I had one job to do everyday, a set group of friends who hung out every night, and someone making my salad for every meal (I also lost eight pounds that summer)

Of course, people say those summer jobs are not real. They are more like camp than anything else. Still, I wish I could have that freedom I felt there in my everyday life.

Simplicity :)
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose."~Thorton Wilder

I don't have a picture today, but please note that the ones I did find all had people with their arms outstretched on a beach, or had people reaching out to touch birds. Which is a really gross thing to do.

Remember, Remember the...wait, what day was it?

I've decided I kind of hate my book. I LOVE snacking while I attempt to write my book though. Maybe I should have picked a more interesting topic. I picked some experiences from my life, but as it turns out, my life is not all that interesting. It's ok, though. I am failing like a champ.

I am singing Broadway karaoke while I'm doing the dishes, I am knitting while I'm watching TV, and I am blogging while I am watching the voting results come in. I am running every morning, even though it is friggin freezing out there. Still no drawing though. Maybe I should I trace my hand and draw a turkey for good measure.

I have come to a decision, though. I am not some one who can go through life NOT loving their job. There are so many people who when I ask if they like their job they say, "Meh, it pays the bills" or "It's not my life, but it gives me the funds to live my life." I am so jealous of these people, and I am in no way kidding. I would love to be able to go to work at a job, make some money, leave work at work, and then continue on with my weekends and evenings and be totally happy with my hobbies. I truly think that I am not one of those people. I think I am a person who truly believes in what they are doing, who gives themselves fully to their work, and who doesn't need so much vacation time because she enjoys her job so much. Knowing this is one thing, getting this is another. Could someone tell me what color my parachute is or who moved my cheese or whatever?

Oh! Also I'm jumping on the "Thankful November" bandwagon, where you list something you are thankful for everyday in November. Of course, I am six days late, so I will have to catch up.

1. I am thankful the way the heater smell always reminds me of Christmas when you first turn it on in the winter. I am also glad that I have heat when it is friggin freezing outside.

2. I am thankful that I live in the Northeast where the leaves change color and you can wear fall clothes. Please remind me of this in February when I've decended into the typical northerner winter depression.

3. I am thankful for my good friends who make me laugh until cider comes out my nose, who remind me to be true to myself, who make me pumpkin desserts because they know I'm obsessed, and who call me on a long walk home after a rough day.

4. I am thankful for my sister, who will always let me stay with her, even if it's after a hurricane and it's last minute. Who understands my love of Sailor Moon, 10th Kingdom, Fairy Oddparents, and other things that remind you just how mature I am. She also makes me Pumpkin desserts.

5. I am thankful for pumpkin desserts.

6. I am thankful for my boyfriend, who knows how to handle me when I am sad or dramatic, who is almost always on the same page as I am about suburban dates to chain restaurants and movie theatres, and who knows way more about politics than I do.

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Making time :(
Not apologizing :)
Fun in Failure :/

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."~Douglass Adams

Picture by http://www.hyaenagallery.com/handturkeys2.html

I repeat, I did NOT draw that turkey. That is way better than what I would draw.

Failing is fun!

I've finished the first day of novel month, and so far I've written half of the words I was supposed to write on the first day and all 867 of them are complete crap. But that's ok, because I'm supposed to be enjoying failure this segment. I'm supposed to like singing badly, not care that my drawings are pathetic copies of other ilustrations, and to rejoice in the fact that I am writing the next terrible American novel that may be young adult, romance, or mystery and I haven't quite decided yet.

This is going to be tough.

Also, you will notice my blogs are shorter this segment. This is because I am writing my papers for school during my lunch break, writing my novel while dinner is cooking, and writing this blog while they are dragging me away to the mental institution.

I have followed my passions in baking pumpkin cookies, knitting a scarf, and I am going to see a play this weekend. And in December, I have big plans to get some sleep.

Simplicity :/
Energy :( from eating hurricane non-perishables
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :(
Fun in failure :(

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” Oprah Winfrey

There's no time! There's never any TIME!

Oh, time. You are the cheekiest little monkey. When we want more time, there's not enough time. When we want less time, there's too much time. When we want time to go slow, it goes fast. When we want time to go fast, too bad you are still in line at the DMV.

Our biggest excuse in life is that we don't have time. "I'd volunteer, but I don't have time. I'd join a club, but I'm so busy. I'd exercise, but I can't break my previous engagement with this cookie." My challenge this segment is to make time, which is going to be difficult because of my work schedule, my school schedule, and the fact that I am going to try to do the Novel in Month for Novemeber.

Novemeber is National Novel Writing month, and I am going to write one. See that? See all that resolve and self-confidence? Yeah, let's remember that come midnight on day 14. Writing is one of my passions, so this is the perfect challenge to make time, write unapologetically, and to "enjoy failure" as Gretchen Rubin would say.

You can do it too!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Simplicity :/
Energy :) (mostly from Halloween candy)
Mindfulness :)

Make Time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time which every day produces, and which most men throw away." Charles Caleb Cotton


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