The Straw that Breaks the Camels Back

My community college experience has become a lot like that time I hit myself in the face with a crowbar during a particularly rigorous summerstock change-over. For you muggles who are not theatrically inclined, change-over is when you take the set and lights from one show, then put up the set and lights for another, all within 48-72 hours. There were three days of waking up at 8 am and working until 3 am the next morning. I was frustrated with the safety conditions, the lack of breaks, the lack of food, and the fact that instead of watching fireworks on July 4th, I was using a pneumatic stapler to affix a patriotic table cloth to a folding table in the dark. In the privacy of our dorm rooms, I railed against these conditions. I bemoaned the disorganization of the process, while making emphatic gestures with my hands and occasionally changing my MySpace status to something vaguely emo. Which is a very old-fashioned phrase.I might have well just said, "And on Friday nights, we'd all go down to blockbuster video and rent the Simpsons video game for our Super Nintendo"

Anyway, on the last day of change over, two other girls and I were assigned to rip up parts of the old set with crowbars and hammers. I was exhausted and bitter, and now I was spending eight hours ripping pieces of wood apart for recycling. All I'd eaten that day was handfuls of peanut M&Ms I stole from a giant bag in the shop. At one point in my delirium, as I was prying apart what used to be the rocky mountain in Pirate's of Penzance, I made a stupid mistake and the crowbar slipped and flew back into my face.
The girls looked up and shouted, "Oh my god, are you ok?" But I had nothing left. No more complaints. No more swear words. Nothing but submission. "I'm gonna take a five. And then I'm going to come back and finish this," was all I could muster. For the rest of the process, I was completely compliant. "You want me to do what? Sure. Sure. Just don't hurt my face anymore."

And that my friends, is what community college is like. You will rant, and you will rail. You will sign petitions, and you will raise your voice in a public institution of education. You will threaten to sue, and write letters of complaints. And then at some point, something will happen. You will get hit with the crowbar. And you've got nothing left. Nothing but a few tears in front of the admissions office and the prayer that they won't hurt your face anymore.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :/
Passion :)
Healthy :(
Big Picture :)
Affirmations :(

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."~Randy Pausch

Original Pic http://seejanenurse.wordpress.com/2007/10/

Do's and don'ts for feeling like a rockstar

This section of my project is turning out to be harder than I thought. Maybe it's stress from work and school. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been eating well over the past week or two. Maybe it's the fact that my current ensemble is an over-sized Miller High Life t-shirt and my ex-roommate's break-away sweat pants.

There are certain things that will help your self-confidence, and things that will hurt it.

Things that boost yourself confidence

1. Working out. Just don't look at your reflection in the store windows as you run past.

2. Teaching. Find someone who wants to learn to do what you do, and then teach them what you know.

3. Fixing yourself up. Personal mantra? Try to always look the way you'd want to if you ran into your worst enemy or Ryan Gosling.

4. Act the way you wish you felt. It's that whole "smiling well actually make you feel happier" thing. Acting confident makes you feel confident. Try entering a room like everyone in it has been eagerly awaiting your arrival. But don't open the door like Kramer or anything. Keep cool.

5. Dance to club music while you're alone in the house. Think body rolls, hair flips, the whole rigmarole. Again, don't catch yourself in the mirror. You don't wanna know how ridiculous you look.

Things that crumple your confidence like a failed spelling quiz that you don't wanna show your parents and so you throw it in the girl's room trash bin.

1. Hanging out with dancers. Or standing next to them for that matter. Enough said.

2. Getting in over your head. Being handed an assignment beyond your skills. Singing a song that's out of your range. Trying to decipher the tech manual for a new mail machine.

3. Eating tortilla chips for dinner. Nothing makes you feel more poor or less healthy.This should really only be done when having Margaritas with friends and the restaurant has free chip and salsa refills.

4. Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, enough said.

5. Attempting to save up to something, only to realize that this means that you not only can't afford a cab, you can't afford public transit. I can't keep track of those little SEPTA coins anyway. I usually end up using them to try to buy dinner trail mix from the community college vending machines.

Re-read that last sentence and tell me why the light's come on on my self-esteem tank.

Thankfuls

26. Lazy sundays
27. Christmas parties
28. Trashy reality TV
29. Long drives
30. Coffee

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :)
Healthy :/
Big Picture :(
Affirmations :(

"Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself"~Anthony Trollope

Photo by http://www.multiplesandmore.com/expert-interviews/self-confidence-and-involvement-in-activities/

B-list Self Help for a Z-list Actor

I've got to be nuts to start a segment on Self-Confidence during the holidays. Nothing makes you feel less attractive than finishing off a quarter of a pan of mac and cheese and then eating four pieces of pie. It seemed cliche to save self-esteem for January, when we're all hitting the gym with vigor and promising ourselves that this year will be different, only to abandon our dreams to the snooze button and some elastic waist track pants. Therefore, I presented myself with a challenge. Trying to stay healthy and positive during the holidays. How's it going you ask? Not great, reader. Not great.

I started off by perusing the self-help section of my local used book store. It occurred to me that this might not be the best idea, as these books have clearly been used and discarded as not super helpful (or perhaps used as a found-weapon against a loved one), but hey, they're four dollars a pop and I don't argue with math.

Self-help sections are hilarious. I passed by volumes called "Love is for the loving!" "Why men need women who need men who need dogs" and "You don't know that he knows the you know he's just not that into you." I flipped through a book called "City Chick!", which gave me various bits of insight on how to successfully get my groove back. I glanced at various "rules of success" from different B-list celebrities like Tori Spelling and Tia and/or Tamara Lowry (and no this is not an ad for their upcoming ABC family original movie on their 25 Days of Christmas programming). The conclusion I came to is this: %90 of self-help books are geared towards women.

What is wrong with us ladies that we need to help ourselves so much? Or is it that women are more likely to look for solutions to negative emotions than men are? Are men more embarrassed and therefore less likely to read these books? Or are we as women so self-conscious that we are constantly trying to fix something about ourselves?

I left without a book on improving self-esteem. Instead, I'm sticking to my rules of staying healthy, giving myself positive affirmations, and looking at the big picture.


Simplicity :/
Energy :/
Mindfulness:/
Passion :/
Healthy :(
Affirmation :(
Big Picture :/

Things I'm thankful for:

20. My boyfriend's sister in law for making such a kickass Thanksgiving dinner.
21. Hikes in National Parks with my bf
22. Red Wine
23. Christmas Shopping
24. The internet
25. Live theatre

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”~George Carlin

Be you!...except cooler...and with better posture

So, I'm gonna put this little section on Passions to rest. Well, not to rest exactly. More like in an open file in my mini-filing cabinet which I'm pretty sure is still full of mismatching socks. Here's what we have learned in our little adventure in Passion-land, which coincidentally is the name of an adult book store on South Street.

1. Novel writing sucks.
2. As it turns out, failing? Not so fun.
3. Choices are bad. They are bad, they are toxic, and they cause decision fatigue. If I ever find Eve, I'm gonna show her the back of my hand for biting into that apple.
4. Your eye does not want to be covered in sunscreen.
5. You're not missing out on anything.


You may read this and say, "Well, aren't we a Negative Nancy today?" And I'd say "No, because Negative Nancy was a superhero who taught us about integers in fourth grade math." Then, I'd tell you that my chapter on Passion hasn't been a total bust. I actually learned a couple things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't want a desk job. Over the past couple of months I have thought about accepting my fate as a future cubicle-occupant. I really thought it would make my life easier. Then I realized, I'm not Fletcher. I'm Dick Tracy, goddamnit! Yet, somehow this month has redirected me towards my goal of doing something in performance/sign language/teaching. This may sound vague to you, but it is a significant narrowing down for me.

I also discovered a new passion. Well, it's more of a rediscovered passion that I've secretly loved all along. And no, it's not Settlers of Catan or any other nerd board games. It's simply this: comedy.

My sister very smartly gave me both "Bossypants" and "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me." Both written by famous women in comedy. Because of their stories, I had a rush of memories of watching Friday night stand up with my brother, performing improv scenes so good you have no idea how you did it, and sitting around the table and listening to an entire Jerry Seinfeld CD in Vermont. I had completely forgotten how much I love comedy. How long has it been since I've seen a good stand-up show? How many times do I start a sentence with, "There's this one bit that goes like this..." and then repeat a hysterical joke in a completely dorky and unfunny way? Of course! Comedy.

This next section is gonna be about Self-Esteem, so get ready for some delightfully feminist "I am woman, hear me roar"s, sprinkled with the occasional whimsical, "Ain't I the bees-knees!" See below for three new and exciting goals.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :/
Be healthy :/
Look at the big picture :(
Affirmations :(

Thankfuls:

16. My beautiful niece Alexandra. I've definitely become one of those aunts whose like, "This baby's the prettiest! All others bow to her!"

17. Bizzaro's Pizza in Melbourne. Twice in one weekend is definitely not excessive.

18. Trashy reality television. Is there anything more relaxing two sexually charged twenty something attempt to pummel each other with a giant fish?

19. A steady paycheck. This may seem commonplace, but for someone who has tried to save up for Christmas presents on a fluctuating income, it rocks.

More Quick Thank you's

Things I am thankful for:

14. My physicality: I was gonna say "my body," but that sounded like a line from a "What happens during puberty" book they hand out in the sixth grade, along with the iron chastity belts they distribute at those abstinence only schools. I'm thankful that I have two fully functioning legs that like to run and walk all over town. I am thankful that I like my figure. I'm thankful that I'm tall enough to be a Rockette, even if I will never be able to kick much higher than my waist. I am thankful I am healthy. I am thankful that my hair is manageable, even if I decide not to manage it and let it do whatever the hell it wants.

15. Ricotta Gnocchi with Truffle Oil: Yeah, I don't think I have to say anything else.

Your FOMO and You

By now, we've all heard of FOMO, right? Well, maybe not. I had to have a t-shirt explain to me what YOLO meant (If you're as out of touch with the kids as I am, it means "You Only Live Once"). So, FOMO is the "Fear of Missing Out." It's been used to describe the condition that young adults in the Facebook generation suffer from. Basically, we glamorize our lives on social networks, thereby making them look much better/more interesting than they are. We then see other peoples pictures and status updates and think that they are leading better lives than us. We are obsessed with checking our facebook pages to make sure we're not missing out on anything, even though all it does is make us feel like we're missing out on everything.

I read an article the other day that actually hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I've been feeling. Many people think FOMO is just a social issue; We have a fear of missing out on parties and events, and we're worried that everyone is hanging out without us. However, this article stated, and I agree, that FOMO encompasses our careers, or living situations, and our entire life. Twenty-somethings have a fear that they are living the wrong life. We have all the opportunities in the world, and that paralyzes us. We are afraid that there is a better job we could be doing, that there is a different city we should be living in, that we should be living a different life. The article talks about "decision fatigue", which I thought was brilliant, because what have I been saying about choices? For those of you who missed the quiz review, choices = BAD.

Growing up, I certainly didn't enjoy going to school. I'm not sure I knew any kids who did. But there wasn't a choice. That's just what you do as a kid. While I didn't like it, I didn't feel "wrong" for going. Now, plenty of people don't like their job, but for twenty somethings it's more than just not liking our work. It's that we don't feel right doing it. We feel like everyday is a step down a path that we are not supposed to be on. It's like when you're dreaming,and you're on a bus headed to the mall. But then you suddenly realize, you're supposed to be at work. You're pulling the cord and telling the bus driver to stop, but everyone ignores you and you can't get anyone to understand your panic that you are on the WRONG bus.

I wish I had the answer to this one, friends. I don't know why my particular age group suffers so acutely from FOMO. The article I read stated that it is not a problem to be fixed, but part of the modern twenties experience. It is what motivates us not to settle for less and to be ambitious at finding what we want. I would just like to feel like I'm on the right bus.

13. I am thankful for my Dad. Who talks calmly to me when I'm sobbing so hard I have the hiccups. Who is my guru when it comes to anything business, writing, running, or boat related. Who never gives up on me, even when I am being a total brat.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :/
Find Time :(
Don't Apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"~Talking Heads

Photo from http://mbadventure.com/2011/12/03/fomo-is-a-mofo/

Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Day

Hey there! Are you having a terrific day? Are you looking to turn that day around? Here's some tips on ways to absolutely spoil your day.

1. Go to wipe something off your face and accidentally cover your eyeball in sunscreen. Commence searing pain, screaming, and jumping up and down with a towel pressed to your eye.

2. Bring your lunch to work and have someone throw the whole thing out when they decide to clean out the office mini-fridge. That way you can be hangry and then carbo-load on free bagels.

3. Try to make a major life decision while your eye is watering and your blood-sugar is on a tilt-o-whirl.

Now, in case you need to reverse the process ( but why would you want to?) Here's some ways to get you back on track.

1. Get a big hug from your bf.

2. Drink some boxed wine and sing "The Ladies who Lunch" at the top of your lungs.

3. Watch back to back episodes of "Teen Mom 2" and remind yourself that things could be WAY worse.

Things I am thankful for:

10. My voice. Not in a conceited way, I don't think I'm Audra McDonald or anything. But I love that I can sing, and I love that I have a low, man-ish voice like I'm a madame from the 20's or something.

11. Showtunes. Since I was a little kid, when I discover a new show I like I download the soundtrack and listen to it until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. Then I forget about it. Then I re-discover it and fall in love all over it. I can't tell you how many times I've done this with A Chorus Line and Once Upon a Mattress There is nothing like singing as loud as you can and making up the tap moves to "I can do that" even though you suck at tap-dancing and that song was written for a boy.

12.Philadelphia. Sure the city gets me down sometimes, but there's something so nice about how quiet the streets are in the morning, how the sunrises over the Delaware, how there are always dogs to be spotted in the park. I love walking instead of driving, I love the hip new restaurants we have, and living among historic stuff I don't remember the name of.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"You can have a bad day, but as soon as you set foot on that stage it's joyous."~Glenn Tipton

Photo by http://www.interviewing.com/bad-day-doesnt-have-to-mean-a-bad-interview/