B-list Self Help for a Z-list Actor

I've got to be nuts to start a segment on Self-Confidence during the holidays. Nothing makes you feel less attractive than finishing off a quarter of a pan of mac and cheese and then eating four pieces of pie. It seemed cliche to save self-esteem for January, when we're all hitting the gym with vigor and promising ourselves that this year will be different, only to abandon our dreams to the snooze button and some elastic waist track pants. Therefore, I presented myself with a challenge. Trying to stay healthy and positive during the holidays. How's it going you ask? Not great, reader. Not great.

I started off by perusing the self-help section of my local used book store. It occurred to me that this might not be the best idea, as these books have clearly been used and discarded as not super helpful (or perhaps used as a found-weapon against a loved one), but hey, they're four dollars a pop and I don't argue with math.

Self-help sections are hilarious. I passed by volumes called "Love is for the loving!" "Why men need women who need men who need dogs" and "You don't know that he knows the you know he's just not that into you." I flipped through a book called "City Chick!", which gave me various bits of insight on how to successfully get my groove back. I glanced at various "rules of success" from different B-list celebrities like Tori Spelling and Tia and/or Tamara Lowry (and no this is not an ad for their upcoming ABC family original movie on their 25 Days of Christmas programming). The conclusion I came to is this: %90 of self-help books are geared towards women.

What is wrong with us ladies that we need to help ourselves so much? Or is it that women are more likely to look for solutions to negative emotions than men are? Are men more embarrassed and therefore less likely to read these books? Or are we as women so self-conscious that we are constantly trying to fix something about ourselves?

I left without a book on improving self-esteem. Instead, I'm sticking to my rules of staying healthy, giving myself positive affirmations, and looking at the big picture.


Simplicity :/
Energy :/
Mindfulness:/
Passion :/
Healthy :(
Affirmation :(
Big Picture :/

Things I'm thankful for:

20. My boyfriend's sister in law for making such a kickass Thanksgiving dinner.
21. Hikes in National Parks with my bf
22. Red Wine
23. Christmas Shopping
24. The internet
25. Live theatre

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”~George Carlin

Be you!...except cooler...and with better posture

So, I'm gonna put this little section on Passions to rest. Well, not to rest exactly. More like in an open file in my mini-filing cabinet which I'm pretty sure is still full of mismatching socks. Here's what we have learned in our little adventure in Passion-land, which coincidentally is the name of an adult book store on South Street.

1. Novel writing sucks.
2. As it turns out, failing? Not so fun.
3. Choices are bad. They are bad, they are toxic, and they cause decision fatigue. If I ever find Eve, I'm gonna show her the back of my hand for biting into that apple.
4. Your eye does not want to be covered in sunscreen.
5. You're not missing out on anything.


You may read this and say, "Well, aren't we a Negative Nancy today?" And I'd say "No, because Negative Nancy was a superhero who taught us about integers in fourth grade math." Then, I'd tell you that my chapter on Passion hasn't been a total bust. I actually learned a couple things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't want a desk job. Over the past couple of months I have thought about accepting my fate as a future cubicle-occupant. I really thought it would make my life easier. Then I realized, I'm not Fletcher. I'm Dick Tracy, goddamnit! Yet, somehow this month has redirected me towards my goal of doing something in performance/sign language/teaching. This may sound vague to you, but it is a significant narrowing down for me.

I also discovered a new passion. Well, it's more of a rediscovered passion that I've secretly loved all along. And no, it's not Settlers of Catan or any other nerd board games. It's simply this: comedy.

My sister very smartly gave me both "Bossypants" and "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me." Both written by famous women in comedy. Because of their stories, I had a rush of memories of watching Friday night stand up with my brother, performing improv scenes so good you have no idea how you did it, and sitting around the table and listening to an entire Jerry Seinfeld CD in Vermont. I had completely forgotten how much I love comedy. How long has it been since I've seen a good stand-up show? How many times do I start a sentence with, "There's this one bit that goes like this..." and then repeat a hysterical joke in a completely dorky and unfunny way? Of course! Comedy.

This next section is gonna be about Self-Esteem, so get ready for some delightfully feminist "I am woman, hear me roar"s, sprinkled with the occasional whimsical, "Ain't I the bees-knees!" See below for three new and exciting goals.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :/
Be healthy :/
Look at the big picture :(
Affirmations :(

Thankfuls:

16. My beautiful niece Alexandra. I've definitely become one of those aunts whose like, "This baby's the prettiest! All others bow to her!"

17. Bizzaro's Pizza in Melbourne. Twice in one weekend is definitely not excessive.

18. Trashy reality television. Is there anything more relaxing two sexually charged twenty something attempt to pummel each other with a giant fish?

19. A steady paycheck. This may seem commonplace, but for someone who has tried to save up for Christmas presents on a fluctuating income, it rocks.

More Quick Thank you's

Things I am thankful for:

14. My physicality: I was gonna say "my body," but that sounded like a line from a "What happens during puberty" book they hand out in the sixth grade, along with the iron chastity belts they distribute at those abstinence only schools. I'm thankful that I have two fully functioning legs that like to run and walk all over town. I am thankful that I like my figure. I'm thankful that I'm tall enough to be a Rockette, even if I will never be able to kick much higher than my waist. I am thankful I am healthy. I am thankful that my hair is manageable, even if I decide not to manage it and let it do whatever the hell it wants.

15. Ricotta Gnocchi with Truffle Oil: Yeah, I don't think I have to say anything else.

Your FOMO and You

By now, we've all heard of FOMO, right? Well, maybe not. I had to have a t-shirt explain to me what YOLO meant (If you're as out of touch with the kids as I am, it means "You Only Live Once"). So, FOMO is the "Fear of Missing Out." It's been used to describe the condition that young adults in the Facebook generation suffer from. Basically, we glamorize our lives on social networks, thereby making them look much better/more interesting than they are. We then see other peoples pictures and status updates and think that they are leading better lives than us. We are obsessed with checking our facebook pages to make sure we're not missing out on anything, even though all it does is make us feel like we're missing out on everything.

I read an article the other day that actually hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I've been feeling. Many people think FOMO is just a social issue; We have a fear of missing out on parties and events, and we're worried that everyone is hanging out without us. However, this article stated, and I agree, that FOMO encompasses our careers, or living situations, and our entire life. Twenty-somethings have a fear that they are living the wrong life. We have all the opportunities in the world, and that paralyzes us. We are afraid that there is a better job we could be doing, that there is a different city we should be living in, that we should be living a different life. The article talks about "decision fatigue", which I thought was brilliant, because what have I been saying about choices? For those of you who missed the quiz review, choices = BAD.

Growing up, I certainly didn't enjoy going to school. I'm not sure I knew any kids who did. But there wasn't a choice. That's just what you do as a kid. While I didn't like it, I didn't feel "wrong" for going. Now, plenty of people don't like their job, but for twenty somethings it's more than just not liking our work. It's that we don't feel right doing it. We feel like everyday is a step down a path that we are not supposed to be on. It's like when you're dreaming,and you're on a bus headed to the mall. But then you suddenly realize, you're supposed to be at work. You're pulling the cord and telling the bus driver to stop, but everyone ignores you and you can't get anyone to understand your panic that you are on the WRONG bus.

I wish I had the answer to this one, friends. I don't know why my particular age group suffers so acutely from FOMO. The article I read stated that it is not a problem to be fixed, but part of the modern twenties experience. It is what motivates us not to settle for less and to be ambitious at finding what we want. I would just like to feel like I'm on the right bus.

13. I am thankful for my Dad. Who talks calmly to me when I'm sobbing so hard I have the hiccups. Who is my guru when it comes to anything business, writing, running, or boat related. Who never gives up on me, even when I am being a total brat.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :/
Find Time :(
Don't Apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"~Talking Heads

Photo from http://mbadventure.com/2011/12/03/fomo-is-a-mofo/

Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Day

Hey there! Are you having a terrific day? Are you looking to turn that day around? Here's some tips on ways to absolutely spoil your day.

1. Go to wipe something off your face and accidentally cover your eyeball in sunscreen. Commence searing pain, screaming, and jumping up and down with a towel pressed to your eye.

2. Bring your lunch to work and have someone throw the whole thing out when they decide to clean out the office mini-fridge. That way you can be hangry and then carbo-load on free bagels.

3. Try to make a major life decision while your eye is watering and your blood-sugar is on a tilt-o-whirl.

Now, in case you need to reverse the process ( but why would you want to?) Here's some ways to get you back on track.

1. Get a big hug from your bf.

2. Drink some boxed wine and sing "The Ladies who Lunch" at the top of your lungs.

3. Watch back to back episodes of "Teen Mom 2" and remind yourself that things could be WAY worse.

Things I am thankful for:

10. My voice. Not in a conceited way, I don't think I'm Audra McDonald or anything. But I love that I can sing, and I love that I have a low, man-ish voice like I'm a madame from the 20's or something.

11. Showtunes. Since I was a little kid, when I discover a new show I like I download the soundtrack and listen to it until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. Then I forget about it. Then I re-discover it and fall in love all over it. I can't tell you how many times I've done this with A Chorus Line and Once Upon a Mattress There is nothing like singing as loud as you can and making up the tap moves to "I can do that" even though you suck at tap-dancing and that song was written for a boy.

12.Philadelphia. Sure the city gets me down sometimes, but there's something so nice about how quiet the streets are in the morning, how the sunrises over the Delaware, how there are always dogs to be spotted in the park. I love walking instead of driving, I love the hip new restaurants we have, and living among historic stuff I don't remember the name of.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"You can have a bad day, but as soon as you set foot on that stage it's joyous."~Glenn Tipton

Photo by http://www.interviewing.com/bad-day-doesnt-have-to-mean-a-bad-interview/

Quick Thank you

Day 7:

I am thankful for an afternoon with a cup of coffee, some reading for school, and back to back episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.

Day: 8

I am thankful for Friday nights on the couch, in sweatpants, with take-out, laughing with my bf.

Day 9:

I am thankful for the game of Celebrity and for my old summerstock friends for teaching it to me so long ago.

A Novel Pain

This is my happiness project right? So, I can do whatever I like right? So when I tell you that I am quitting National Novel Month, you're not going to hack into my profile, find my address, and egg my apartment, right?

Truthfully, I hate my book. Hate, hate, hate it. I am SO bored writing it that I can't imagine any young adult would make it past the first page. All writing a novel was doing was making me anxious, bored, and fat.

I mean, clearly, I love writing. Everyday, I look forward to typing up this silly little blog so that it will reach the extensive audience of my mom and one person in Germany. I also have come up with two new plays I am interested in writing, but I don't want to continue to write a book that I'm not inspired to write. Maybe someday I'll write a memoir book like David Sedaris or Tina Fey. I better start making up so fake names, because no way my friends want to be in that.

Speaking of memoir-ish books, I am currently reading Mindy Kaling's book "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?" I highly recommend it and am enjoying it even more that Tina Fey's "Bossypants". Shocking, I know. But Mindy has a concern in her book that I can relate to. Mindy is wicked smart, having gone to Dartmouth and excelled there. She describes her fear of going from "Dartmouth to Dirtbag" as she says. This is when instead of the underdog excelling and ruling the world after college, the over-educated, talented girl goes from the top of her class to being a permanent nanny. Hipsters now call this being under-employed. I struggle with this as well. School was the most important thing in my life for 17 years. In college, I became a big fish in a small pond. As a college senior, I was literally the annoying girl who they would bring prospective students to, as a shining example of potential stardom and theatrical success.

Now, do you need to revisit my page on all the side jobs I've held? I'll wait.

Welcome back. So, you see what I'm saying? Now, Rollins is no Dartmouth, but leaving it I had a plan, a prestigious apprenticeship, and an unfounded sense of self-confidence. So, what do I do now? I feel like I am going from Rollins to...Recalcitrant (that was the only word I could find in the thesaurus that started with R). Well, I am going to follow Mindy's path and see if that lands me a hit off-Broadway show and then I position as a TV writer for a popular sitcom.

I will allow all of you to say you knew me when.

Simplicity :)
Energy :)
Mindfulness :(
Find Time :)
Don't apologize :/
Fun in failure :)

"Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."-John D. Rockefeller

Original photo by http://www.financefox.ca/doneblogging/

Give me liberty, or give me...at least five minutes to hide in the ladies room

On the days of Thankfulness

1. I am thankful for my mom, who tells me I'm not crazy, when I probably am. Who loves diets as much as I do which conflicts directly with our mutual love of ice cream. Who lets me be free.

That word there is another key to happiness--"free". Whatever that means to you, it's probably a big part of your happiness. I mean, we didn't throw those cases of tea off the British ships for nothing. Think about it, have you ever ever heard some one say, "This is the best time of my life--I am completely confined and have absolutely no say in what I do and the chain that is holding me to this anvil barely chafes at all!" Probably not?.

What does freedom mean? Please don't send me your third-grade President's day essays, because I do not have time to read them. I have a novel to write, gosh dern it! Man, I should really get on that. ANYWAY, I have felt freedom in a cathartic way at several points in life. Many times, it is relative, in that I-didnt-know-how-trapped-I-was kinda way. This is the freedom you feel when the bus driver let's the counselors off the bus to use the restroom without the campers after you've spent the entire day at Hershey Park with them. I have never run off a bus so fast. I vaguely remember skipping through the parking lot yelling "I'm free!"

Often it comes with a place, and sometimes it's that feeling of a fresh start. I felt this the first time I spent a summer in Vermont or when I first moved to Philadelphia and realized I didn't know anyone. Sometimes, it's the freedom of feeling completely comfortable somewhere. I felt this as I looked out my farmhouse window in Maine, knowing that all I had to do that day was be in a play and then drink red wine on the porch with my friends.

Let's look at the ingredients of freedom:

1. Financial security: You don't have to make a lot, but face it, you are not very free if you do not think you are going to make rent this month.

2. The ability to choose, but the lack of choices: I've said it over and over again, people DON'T LIKE having a lot of options. BUT we need the ability to choose regardless. In Maine, it was should I watch a movie in the farmhouse or go for a swim in the lake? Those were pretty much your only options. Still, if I had been told I HAD to swim in the lake, I would not have enjoyed it that much.

3. Self-reliance: My mother always tells me that it's different when you have your own kids, but it's hard to feel free with little ones (or maybe not so little ones) relying on you everyday. Being sure of yourself and happy with yourself without the neediness of other people is an ingredient of freedom.

4. Simplicity: It's one of my goals for a reason. There is not a lot of freedom in running between three jobs, juggling a social life, and racing up to school. I felt more freedom when I had one job to do everyday, a set group of friends who hung out every night, and someone making my salad for every meal (I also lost eight pounds that summer)

Of course, people say those summer jobs are not real. They are more like camp than anything else. Still, I wish I could have that freedom I felt there in my everyday life.

Simplicity :)
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose."~Thorton Wilder

I don't have a picture today, but please note that the ones I did find all had people with their arms outstretched on a beach, or had people reaching out to touch birds. Which is a really gross thing to do.

Remember, Remember the...wait, what day was it?

I've decided I kind of hate my book. I LOVE snacking while I attempt to write my book though. Maybe I should have picked a more interesting topic. I picked some experiences from my life, but as it turns out, my life is not all that interesting. It's ok, though. I am failing like a champ.

I am singing Broadway karaoke while I'm doing the dishes, I am knitting while I'm watching TV, and I am blogging while I am watching the voting results come in. I am running every morning, even though it is friggin freezing out there. Still no drawing though. Maybe I should I trace my hand and draw a turkey for good measure.

I have come to a decision, though. I am not some one who can go through life NOT loving their job. There are so many people who when I ask if they like their job they say, "Meh, it pays the bills" or "It's not my life, but it gives me the funds to live my life." I am so jealous of these people, and I am in no way kidding. I would love to be able to go to work at a job, make some money, leave work at work, and then continue on with my weekends and evenings and be totally happy with my hobbies. I truly think that I am not one of those people. I think I am a person who truly believes in what they are doing, who gives themselves fully to their work, and who doesn't need so much vacation time because she enjoys her job so much. Knowing this is one thing, getting this is another. Could someone tell me what color my parachute is or who moved my cheese or whatever?

Oh! Also I'm jumping on the "Thankful November" bandwagon, where you list something you are thankful for everyday in November. Of course, I am six days late, so I will have to catch up.

1. I am thankful the way the heater smell always reminds me of Christmas when you first turn it on in the winter. I am also glad that I have heat when it is friggin freezing outside.

2. I am thankful that I live in the Northeast where the leaves change color and you can wear fall clothes. Please remind me of this in February when I've decended into the typical northerner winter depression.

3. I am thankful for my good friends who make me laugh until cider comes out my nose, who remind me to be true to myself, who make me pumpkin desserts because they know I'm obsessed, and who call me on a long walk home after a rough day.

4. I am thankful for my sister, who will always let me stay with her, even if it's after a hurricane and it's last minute. Who understands my love of Sailor Moon, 10th Kingdom, Fairy Oddparents, and other things that remind you just how mature I am. She also makes me Pumpkin desserts.

5. I am thankful for pumpkin desserts.

6. I am thankful for my boyfriend, who knows how to handle me when I am sad or dramatic, who is almost always on the same page as I am about suburban dates to chain restaurants and movie theatres, and who knows way more about politics than I do.

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Making time :(
Not apologizing :)
Fun in Failure :/

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."~Douglass Adams

Picture by http://www.hyaenagallery.com/handturkeys2.html

I repeat, I did NOT draw that turkey. That is way better than what I would draw.

Failing is fun!

I've finished the first day of novel month, and so far I've written half of the words I was supposed to write on the first day and all 867 of them are complete crap. But that's ok, because I'm supposed to be enjoying failure this segment. I'm supposed to like singing badly, not care that my drawings are pathetic copies of other ilustrations, and to rejoice in the fact that I am writing the next terrible American novel that may be young adult, romance, or mystery and I haven't quite decided yet.

This is going to be tough.

Also, you will notice my blogs are shorter this segment. This is because I am writing my papers for school during my lunch break, writing my novel while dinner is cooking, and writing this blog while they are dragging me away to the mental institution.

I have followed my passions in baking pumpkin cookies, knitting a scarf, and I am going to see a play this weekend. And in December, I have big plans to get some sleep.

Simplicity :/
Energy :( from eating hurricane non-perishables
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :(
Fun in failure :(

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” Oprah Winfrey