Did I leave the oven on?

Photo by Yasu & Junko

"Why is the stand-up fan on the table?" said my roommate as she walked into our hotel room at a theatre conference.

"The window won't lock," I said, not looking up from my text message.

"And this is supposed to help?"

"Well, yeah, if anyone tries to crawl in the window they'll probably knock over the fan and we'll hear it and wake up."

"Ok, but why is there an empty beer can balanced on top of the ice bucket?"

I sighed.

"Because, if they don't knock over the fan, they'll probably knock over the empty beer can and THAT will definitely make a noise and wake us up."

"What will we do when we wake up?"

"Oh, I've unlocked the bathroom window so we can crawl out."

Does this sound like you? Then you, may too be a nervous wreck. I've tried to explain it to people before. People are constantly saying, "Don't worry." HA! Oh, if were that simple.

Here's an example to help you understand my particular brand of anxiety. Ever leave the house on the way to work, and the feeling creeps up on you; Did I leave the oven on? or Did I forget to lock the back door? Now, most people take one of two actions: they dismiss it or they turn around to double check. My life, however, is like there is an oven on ALL THE TIME. Somewhere out in this vast universe, there is an oven on, and I can't turn it off, and I can't dismiss it.

I wasn't always like this. As a child, I jumped off of every tall structure I could find to see if I could fly (side note: I could not). I was fearless, and often careless, but I was never worried, stress, or angry for no reason. I know this probably seems obvious, because most children are like that, but wouldn't it be a wonderful state to return too?

I'm not suggesting that I return to being childish or dangerous. I learned my lessons from childhood: don't walk around in bare feet, don't fall asleep with the toaster on, don't run from the bull, etc. etc. etc. But, I have, at certain points in my life, felt childlike, carefree, and above all, calm.

Calm. I think it's a four letter word because it's so damn difficult to achieve. Yet, that is the goal of this project. To get back to calm.

Inspired by The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I'll be attempting to make small changes in my life, with a new goal every month, If you've ever been on a diet (and if you haven't, I hate you), you know that they suggest that you don't start on a Monday or on the first of the month, because it is a signal that this is a temporary change, not a life change. That is why I am starting on Sunday on the 9th of September. That, and because if I don't start right away, I probably won't start at all. The point of the project, will be to return to a state of calm, and dare I say happiness?

Don't misunderstand me, I am not depressed or have trouble getting out of the bed in the morning or anything like that. I consider depression and chronic anxiety as serious problems that should be handled individually and with medical professionals.
I'm just trying to stop biting my nails, snapping at my boyfriend, and blaming the telemarketer on the other line for all of my life problems.

Stay tuned for daily updates, success charts, and possible tracings of my hand that I turned into a turkey when I don't have anything to say.

For now, let's all just chill out.

"I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics"~Sid Waterman in Scoop