You on low self-esteem

Even though I had a whopping three blogs, I'm going to end the chapter on self-esteem. Not that I've improved my self-esteem, oh no. All I've managed to this month is get a haircut and cook up some beauty products from whatever I haven't snacked into oblivion in my kitchen.

Counselors say that we have something called a "self-esteem tank". When it is too low, we become irritable and tend to look for someone to blame for it. It's the classic "bully" scenario. Bully's are self-conscious, so they pick on other people to feel better and refill their self-esteem tank. It's also a reason why many couples fight. One person feels insecure, blames their partner, and through argues in attempt to lower their self-esteem to their level.

This next section of my little experiment here is going to be on relationships. I would like to focus on all of my relationships, boyfriend, family, friend, and work relationships. This, of course, is going to be a tall order, and possibly longer than my other segments.

Many of you are thinking, "Listen, Dr. Philamina, is any of this little red ribbon science fair project working?" And I'd say, "Shut up, they were yellow ribbons, and they said 'Honorable Mention', so there." Then, I'd tell you this: The everyday stress and not being able to do what I love is still frustrating and discouraging. I still end up in tears once a week, and write in my journal using only the mascara that runs down my cheeks and makes the poems of despair that only my soul knows. Sorry, I wanted to make that as emo as possible. Should I have added a raven of emptiness? No, save it. Next time. Next time.

ANYWAY, what has changed is my interactions with people. I don't want to throw a stapler across the room when someone interrupts my work anymore. I don't sigh as loudly as possible and roll my eyes when someone goes on and on in class. I don't make my emails to community college employees outwardly hostile. Just subtext-ually so. So, that's a start! I think having an overall positive look towards the human race is definitely a step in the right direction. Let's see if we can continue that this section.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion:(
Self-Esteem :(
Listen :/
Appreciate :/
Accept :(

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.”~C. Joybell C

Original Photo by http://paulwilkinson.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/mark-sayers-on-low-fuel-tank-faith/

The Straw that Breaks the Camels Back

My community college experience has become a lot like that time I hit myself in the face with a crowbar during a particularly rigorous summerstock change-over. For you muggles who are not theatrically inclined, change-over is when you take the set and lights from one show, then put up the set and lights for another, all within 48-72 hours. There were three days of waking up at 8 am and working until 3 am the next morning. I was frustrated with the safety conditions, the lack of breaks, the lack of food, and the fact that instead of watching fireworks on July 4th, I was using a pneumatic stapler to affix a patriotic table cloth to a folding table in the dark. In the privacy of our dorm rooms, I railed against these conditions. I bemoaned the disorganization of the process, while making emphatic gestures with my hands and occasionally changing my MySpace status to something vaguely emo. Which is a very old-fashioned phrase.I might have well just said, "And on Friday nights, we'd all go down to blockbuster video and rent the Simpsons video game for our Super Nintendo"

Anyway, on the last day of change over, two other girls and I were assigned to rip up parts of the old set with crowbars and hammers. I was exhausted and bitter, and now I was spending eight hours ripping pieces of wood apart for recycling. All I'd eaten that day was handfuls of peanut M&Ms I stole from a giant bag in the shop. At one point in my delirium, as I was prying apart what used to be the rocky mountain in Pirate's of Penzance, I made a stupid mistake and the crowbar slipped and flew back into my face.
The girls looked up and shouted, "Oh my god, are you ok?" But I had nothing left. No more complaints. No more swear words. Nothing but submission. "I'm gonna take a five. And then I'm going to come back and finish this," was all I could muster. For the rest of the process, I was completely compliant. "You want me to do what? Sure. Sure. Just don't hurt my face anymore."

And that my friends, is what community college is like. You will rant, and you will rail. You will sign petitions, and you will raise your voice in a public institution of education. You will threaten to sue, and write letters of complaints. And then at some point, something will happen. You will get hit with the crowbar. And you've got nothing left. Nothing but a few tears in front of the admissions office and the prayer that they won't hurt your face anymore.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :/
Passion :)
Healthy :(
Big Picture :)
Affirmations :(

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people."~Randy Pausch

Original Pic http://seejanenurse.wordpress.com/2007/10/

Do's and don'ts for feeling like a rockstar

This section of my project is turning out to be harder than I thought. Maybe it's stress from work and school. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been eating well over the past week or two. Maybe it's the fact that my current ensemble is an over-sized Miller High Life t-shirt and my ex-roommate's break-away sweat pants.

There are certain things that will help your self-confidence, and things that will hurt it.

Things that boost yourself confidence

1. Working out. Just don't look at your reflection in the store windows as you run past.

2. Teaching. Find someone who wants to learn to do what you do, and then teach them what you know.

3. Fixing yourself up. Personal mantra? Try to always look the way you'd want to if you ran into your worst enemy or Ryan Gosling.

4. Act the way you wish you felt. It's that whole "smiling well actually make you feel happier" thing. Acting confident makes you feel confident. Try entering a room like everyone in it has been eagerly awaiting your arrival. But don't open the door like Kramer or anything. Keep cool.

5. Dance to club music while you're alone in the house. Think body rolls, hair flips, the whole rigmarole. Again, don't catch yourself in the mirror. You don't wanna know how ridiculous you look.

Things that crumple your confidence like a failed spelling quiz that you don't wanna show your parents and so you throw it in the girl's room trash bin.

1. Hanging out with dancers. Or standing next to them for that matter. Enough said.

2. Getting in over your head. Being handed an assignment beyond your skills. Singing a song that's out of your range. Trying to decipher the tech manual for a new mail machine.

3. Eating tortilla chips for dinner. Nothing makes you feel more poor or less healthy.This should really only be done when having Margaritas with friends and the restaurant has free chip and salsa refills.

4. Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, enough said.

5. Attempting to save up to something, only to realize that this means that you not only can't afford a cab, you can't afford public transit. I can't keep track of those little SEPTA coins anyway. I usually end up using them to try to buy dinner trail mix from the community college vending machines.

Re-read that last sentence and tell me why the light's come on on my self-esteem tank.

Thankfuls

26. Lazy sundays
27. Christmas parties
28. Trashy reality TV
29. Long drives
30. Coffee

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :)
Healthy :/
Big Picture :(
Affirmations :(

"Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself"~Anthony Trollope

Photo by http://www.multiplesandmore.com/expert-interviews/self-confidence-and-involvement-in-activities/

B-list Self Help for a Z-list Actor

I've got to be nuts to start a segment on Self-Confidence during the holidays. Nothing makes you feel less attractive than finishing off a quarter of a pan of mac and cheese and then eating four pieces of pie. It seemed cliche to save self-esteem for January, when we're all hitting the gym with vigor and promising ourselves that this year will be different, only to abandon our dreams to the snooze button and some elastic waist track pants. Therefore, I presented myself with a challenge. Trying to stay healthy and positive during the holidays. How's it going you ask? Not great, reader. Not great.

I started off by perusing the self-help section of my local used book store. It occurred to me that this might not be the best idea, as these books have clearly been used and discarded as not super helpful (or perhaps used as a found-weapon against a loved one), but hey, they're four dollars a pop and I don't argue with math.

Self-help sections are hilarious. I passed by volumes called "Love is for the loving!" "Why men need women who need men who need dogs" and "You don't know that he knows the you know he's just not that into you." I flipped through a book called "City Chick!", which gave me various bits of insight on how to successfully get my groove back. I glanced at various "rules of success" from different B-list celebrities like Tori Spelling and Tia and/or Tamara Lowry (and no this is not an ad for their upcoming ABC family original movie on their 25 Days of Christmas programming). The conclusion I came to is this: %90 of self-help books are geared towards women.

What is wrong with us ladies that we need to help ourselves so much? Or is it that women are more likely to look for solutions to negative emotions than men are? Are men more embarrassed and therefore less likely to read these books? Or are we as women so self-conscious that we are constantly trying to fix something about ourselves?

I left without a book on improving self-esteem. Instead, I'm sticking to my rules of staying healthy, giving myself positive affirmations, and looking at the big picture.


Simplicity :/
Energy :/
Mindfulness:/
Passion :/
Healthy :(
Affirmation :(
Big Picture :/

Things I'm thankful for:

20. My boyfriend's sister in law for making such a kickass Thanksgiving dinner.
21. Hikes in National Parks with my bf
22. Red Wine
23. Christmas Shopping
24. The internet
25. Live theatre

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”~George Carlin

Be you!...except cooler...and with better posture

So, I'm gonna put this little section on Passions to rest. Well, not to rest exactly. More like in an open file in my mini-filing cabinet which I'm pretty sure is still full of mismatching socks. Here's what we have learned in our little adventure in Passion-land, which coincidentally is the name of an adult book store on South Street.

1. Novel writing sucks.
2. As it turns out, failing? Not so fun.
3. Choices are bad. They are bad, they are toxic, and they cause decision fatigue. If I ever find Eve, I'm gonna show her the back of my hand for biting into that apple.
4. Your eye does not want to be covered in sunscreen.
5. You're not missing out on anything.


You may read this and say, "Well, aren't we a Negative Nancy today?" And I'd say "No, because Negative Nancy was a superhero who taught us about integers in fourth grade math." Then, I'd tell you that my chapter on Passion hasn't been a total bust. I actually learned a couple things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't want a desk job. Over the past couple of months I have thought about accepting my fate as a future cubicle-occupant. I really thought it would make my life easier. Then I realized, I'm not Fletcher. I'm Dick Tracy, goddamnit! Yet, somehow this month has redirected me towards my goal of doing something in performance/sign language/teaching. This may sound vague to you, but it is a significant narrowing down for me.

I also discovered a new passion. Well, it's more of a rediscovered passion that I've secretly loved all along. And no, it's not Settlers of Catan or any other nerd board games. It's simply this: comedy.

My sister very smartly gave me both "Bossypants" and "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me." Both written by famous women in comedy. Because of their stories, I had a rush of memories of watching Friday night stand up with my brother, performing improv scenes so good you have no idea how you did it, and sitting around the table and listening to an entire Jerry Seinfeld CD in Vermont. I had completely forgotten how much I love comedy. How long has it been since I've seen a good stand-up show? How many times do I start a sentence with, "There's this one bit that goes like this..." and then repeat a hysterical joke in a completely dorky and unfunny way? Of course! Comedy.

This next section is gonna be about Self-Esteem, so get ready for some delightfully feminist "I am woman, hear me roar"s, sprinkled with the occasional whimsical, "Ain't I the bees-knees!" See below for three new and exciting goals.

Simplicity :(
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Passion :/
Be healthy :/
Look at the big picture :(
Affirmations :(

Thankfuls:

16. My beautiful niece Alexandra. I've definitely become one of those aunts whose like, "This baby's the prettiest! All others bow to her!"

17. Bizzaro's Pizza in Melbourne. Twice in one weekend is definitely not excessive.

18. Trashy reality television. Is there anything more relaxing two sexually charged twenty something attempt to pummel each other with a giant fish?

19. A steady paycheck. This may seem commonplace, but for someone who has tried to save up for Christmas presents on a fluctuating income, it rocks.

More Quick Thank you's

Things I am thankful for:

14. My physicality: I was gonna say "my body," but that sounded like a line from a "What happens during puberty" book they hand out in the sixth grade, along with the iron chastity belts they distribute at those abstinence only schools. I'm thankful that I have two fully functioning legs that like to run and walk all over town. I am thankful that I like my figure. I'm thankful that I'm tall enough to be a Rockette, even if I will never be able to kick much higher than my waist. I am thankful I am healthy. I am thankful that my hair is manageable, even if I decide not to manage it and let it do whatever the hell it wants.

15. Ricotta Gnocchi with Truffle Oil: Yeah, I don't think I have to say anything else.

Your FOMO and You

By now, we've all heard of FOMO, right? Well, maybe not. I had to have a t-shirt explain to me what YOLO meant (If you're as out of touch with the kids as I am, it means "You Only Live Once"). So, FOMO is the "Fear of Missing Out." It's been used to describe the condition that young adults in the Facebook generation suffer from. Basically, we glamorize our lives on social networks, thereby making them look much better/more interesting than they are. We then see other peoples pictures and status updates and think that they are leading better lives than us. We are obsessed with checking our facebook pages to make sure we're not missing out on anything, even though all it does is make us feel like we're missing out on everything.

I read an article the other day that actually hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I've been feeling. Many people think FOMO is just a social issue; We have a fear of missing out on parties and events, and we're worried that everyone is hanging out without us. However, this article stated, and I agree, that FOMO encompasses our careers, or living situations, and our entire life. Twenty-somethings have a fear that they are living the wrong life. We have all the opportunities in the world, and that paralyzes us. We are afraid that there is a better job we could be doing, that there is a different city we should be living in, that we should be living a different life. The article talks about "decision fatigue", which I thought was brilliant, because what have I been saying about choices? For those of you who missed the quiz review, choices = BAD.

Growing up, I certainly didn't enjoy going to school. I'm not sure I knew any kids who did. But there wasn't a choice. That's just what you do as a kid. While I didn't like it, I didn't feel "wrong" for going. Now, plenty of people don't like their job, but for twenty somethings it's more than just not liking our work. It's that we don't feel right doing it. We feel like everyday is a step down a path that we are not supposed to be on. It's like when you're dreaming,and you're on a bus headed to the mall. But then you suddenly realize, you're supposed to be at work. You're pulling the cord and telling the bus driver to stop, but everyone ignores you and you can't get anyone to understand your panic that you are on the WRONG bus.

I wish I had the answer to this one, friends. I don't know why my particular age group suffers so acutely from FOMO. The article I read stated that it is not a problem to be fixed, but part of the modern twenties experience. It is what motivates us not to settle for less and to be ambitious at finding what we want. I would just like to feel like I'm on the right bus.

13. I am thankful for my Dad. Who talks calmly to me when I'm sobbing so hard I have the hiccups. Who is my guru when it comes to anything business, writing, running, or boat related. Who never gives up on me, even when I am being a total brat.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :/
Find Time :(
Don't Apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"~Talking Heads

Photo from http://mbadventure.com/2011/12/03/fomo-is-a-mofo/

Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Day

Hey there! Are you having a terrific day? Are you looking to turn that day around? Here's some tips on ways to absolutely spoil your day.

1. Go to wipe something off your face and accidentally cover your eyeball in sunscreen. Commence searing pain, screaming, and jumping up and down with a towel pressed to your eye.

2. Bring your lunch to work and have someone throw the whole thing out when they decide to clean out the office mini-fridge. That way you can be hangry and then carbo-load on free bagels.

3. Try to make a major life decision while your eye is watering and your blood-sugar is on a tilt-o-whirl.

Now, in case you need to reverse the process ( but why would you want to?) Here's some ways to get you back on track.

1. Get a big hug from your bf.

2. Drink some boxed wine and sing "The Ladies who Lunch" at the top of your lungs.

3. Watch back to back episodes of "Teen Mom 2" and remind yourself that things could be WAY worse.

Things I am thankful for:

10. My voice. Not in a conceited way, I don't think I'm Audra McDonald or anything. But I love that I can sing, and I love that I have a low, man-ish voice like I'm a madame from the 20's or something.

11. Showtunes. Since I was a little kid, when I discover a new show I like I download the soundtrack and listen to it until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. Then I forget about it. Then I re-discover it and fall in love all over it. I can't tell you how many times I've done this with A Chorus Line and Once Upon a Mattress There is nothing like singing as loud as you can and making up the tap moves to "I can do that" even though you suck at tap-dancing and that song was written for a boy.

12.Philadelphia. Sure the city gets me down sometimes, but there's something so nice about how quiet the streets are in the morning, how the sunrises over the Delaware, how there are always dogs to be spotted in the park. I love walking instead of driving, I love the hip new restaurants we have, and living among historic stuff I don't remember the name of.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"You can have a bad day, but as soon as you set foot on that stage it's joyous."~Glenn Tipton

Photo by http://www.interviewing.com/bad-day-doesnt-have-to-mean-a-bad-interview/

Quick Thank you

Day 7:

I am thankful for an afternoon with a cup of coffee, some reading for school, and back to back episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.

Day: 8

I am thankful for Friday nights on the couch, in sweatpants, with take-out, laughing with my bf.

Day 9:

I am thankful for the game of Celebrity and for my old summerstock friends for teaching it to me so long ago.

A Novel Pain

This is my happiness project right? So, I can do whatever I like right? So when I tell you that I am quitting National Novel Month, you're not going to hack into my profile, find my address, and egg my apartment, right?

Truthfully, I hate my book. Hate, hate, hate it. I am SO bored writing it that I can't imagine any young adult would make it past the first page. All writing a novel was doing was making me anxious, bored, and fat.

I mean, clearly, I love writing. Everyday, I look forward to typing up this silly little blog so that it will reach the extensive audience of my mom and one person in Germany. I also have come up with two new plays I am interested in writing, but I don't want to continue to write a book that I'm not inspired to write. Maybe someday I'll write a memoir book like David Sedaris or Tina Fey. I better start making up so fake names, because no way my friends want to be in that.

Speaking of memoir-ish books, I am currently reading Mindy Kaling's book "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?" I highly recommend it and am enjoying it even more that Tina Fey's "Bossypants". Shocking, I know. But Mindy has a concern in her book that I can relate to. Mindy is wicked smart, having gone to Dartmouth and excelled there. She describes her fear of going from "Dartmouth to Dirtbag" as she says. This is when instead of the underdog excelling and ruling the world after college, the over-educated, talented girl goes from the top of her class to being a permanent nanny. Hipsters now call this being under-employed. I struggle with this as well. School was the most important thing in my life for 17 years. In college, I became a big fish in a small pond. As a college senior, I was literally the annoying girl who they would bring prospective students to, as a shining example of potential stardom and theatrical success.

Now, do you need to revisit my page on all the side jobs I've held? I'll wait.

Welcome back. So, you see what I'm saying? Now, Rollins is no Dartmouth, but leaving it I had a plan, a prestigious apprenticeship, and an unfounded sense of self-confidence. So, what do I do now? I feel like I am going from Rollins to...Recalcitrant (that was the only word I could find in the thesaurus that started with R). Well, I am going to follow Mindy's path and see if that lands me a hit off-Broadway show and then I position as a TV writer for a popular sitcom.

I will allow all of you to say you knew me when.

Simplicity :)
Energy :)
Mindfulness :(
Find Time :)
Don't apologize :/
Fun in failure :)

"Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."-John D. Rockefeller

Original photo by http://www.financefox.ca/doneblogging/

Give me liberty, or give me...at least five minutes to hide in the ladies room

On the days of Thankfulness

1. I am thankful for my mom, who tells me I'm not crazy, when I probably am. Who loves diets as much as I do which conflicts directly with our mutual love of ice cream. Who lets me be free.

That word there is another key to happiness--"free". Whatever that means to you, it's probably a big part of your happiness. I mean, we didn't throw those cases of tea off the British ships for nothing. Think about it, have you ever ever heard some one say, "This is the best time of my life--I am completely confined and have absolutely no say in what I do and the chain that is holding me to this anvil barely chafes at all!" Probably not?.

What does freedom mean? Please don't send me your third-grade President's day essays, because I do not have time to read them. I have a novel to write, gosh dern it! Man, I should really get on that. ANYWAY, I have felt freedom in a cathartic way at several points in life. Many times, it is relative, in that I-didnt-know-how-trapped-I-was kinda way. This is the freedom you feel when the bus driver let's the counselors off the bus to use the restroom without the campers after you've spent the entire day at Hershey Park with them. I have never run off a bus so fast. I vaguely remember skipping through the parking lot yelling "I'm free!"

Often it comes with a place, and sometimes it's that feeling of a fresh start. I felt this the first time I spent a summer in Vermont or when I first moved to Philadelphia and realized I didn't know anyone. Sometimes, it's the freedom of feeling completely comfortable somewhere. I felt this as I looked out my farmhouse window in Maine, knowing that all I had to do that day was be in a play and then drink red wine on the porch with my friends.

Let's look at the ingredients of freedom:

1. Financial security: You don't have to make a lot, but face it, you are not very free if you do not think you are going to make rent this month.

2. The ability to choose, but the lack of choices: I've said it over and over again, people DON'T LIKE having a lot of options. BUT we need the ability to choose regardless. In Maine, it was should I watch a movie in the farmhouse or go for a swim in the lake? Those were pretty much your only options. Still, if I had been told I HAD to swim in the lake, I would not have enjoyed it that much.

3. Self-reliance: My mother always tells me that it's different when you have your own kids, but it's hard to feel free with little ones (or maybe not so little ones) relying on you everyday. Being sure of yourself and happy with yourself without the neediness of other people is an ingredient of freedom.

4. Simplicity: It's one of my goals for a reason. There is not a lot of freedom in running between three jobs, juggling a social life, and racing up to school. I felt more freedom when I had one job to do everyday, a set group of friends who hung out every night, and someone making my salad for every meal (I also lost eight pounds that summer)

Of course, people say those summer jobs are not real. They are more like camp than anything else. Still, I wish I could have that freedom I felt there in my everyday life.

Simplicity :)
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Make time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in failure :(

"The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose."~Thorton Wilder

I don't have a picture today, but please note that the ones I did find all had people with their arms outstretched on a beach, or had people reaching out to touch birds. Which is a really gross thing to do.

Remember, Remember the...wait, what day was it?

I've decided I kind of hate my book. I LOVE snacking while I attempt to write my book though. Maybe I should have picked a more interesting topic. I picked some experiences from my life, but as it turns out, my life is not all that interesting. It's ok, though. I am failing like a champ.

I am singing Broadway karaoke while I'm doing the dishes, I am knitting while I'm watching TV, and I am blogging while I am watching the voting results come in. I am running every morning, even though it is friggin freezing out there. Still no drawing though. Maybe I should I trace my hand and draw a turkey for good measure.

I have come to a decision, though. I am not some one who can go through life NOT loving their job. There are so many people who when I ask if they like their job they say, "Meh, it pays the bills" or "It's not my life, but it gives me the funds to live my life." I am so jealous of these people, and I am in no way kidding. I would love to be able to go to work at a job, make some money, leave work at work, and then continue on with my weekends and evenings and be totally happy with my hobbies. I truly think that I am not one of those people. I think I am a person who truly believes in what they are doing, who gives themselves fully to their work, and who doesn't need so much vacation time because she enjoys her job so much. Knowing this is one thing, getting this is another. Could someone tell me what color my parachute is or who moved my cheese or whatever?

Oh! Also I'm jumping on the "Thankful November" bandwagon, where you list something you are thankful for everyday in November. Of course, I am six days late, so I will have to catch up.

1. I am thankful the way the heater smell always reminds me of Christmas when you first turn it on in the winter. I am also glad that I have heat when it is friggin freezing outside.

2. I am thankful that I live in the Northeast where the leaves change color and you can wear fall clothes. Please remind me of this in February when I've decended into the typical northerner winter depression.

3. I am thankful for my good friends who make me laugh until cider comes out my nose, who remind me to be true to myself, who make me pumpkin desserts because they know I'm obsessed, and who call me on a long walk home after a rough day.

4. I am thankful for my sister, who will always let me stay with her, even if it's after a hurricane and it's last minute. Who understands my love of Sailor Moon, 10th Kingdom, Fairy Oddparents, and other things that remind you just how mature I am. She also makes me Pumpkin desserts.

5. I am thankful for pumpkin desserts.

6. I am thankful for my boyfriend, who knows how to handle me when I am sad or dramatic, who is almost always on the same page as I am about suburban dates to chain restaurants and movie theatres, and who knows way more about politics than I do.

Simplicity :/
Energy :(
Mindfulness :(
Making time :(
Not apologizing :)
Fun in Failure :/

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."~Douglass Adams

Picture by http://www.hyaenagallery.com/handturkeys2.html

I repeat, I did NOT draw that turkey. That is way better than what I would draw.

Failing is fun!

I've finished the first day of novel month, and so far I've written half of the words I was supposed to write on the first day and all 867 of them are complete crap. But that's ok, because I'm supposed to be enjoying failure this segment. I'm supposed to like singing badly, not care that my drawings are pathetic copies of other ilustrations, and to rejoice in the fact that I am writing the next terrible American novel that may be young adult, romance, or mystery and I haven't quite decided yet.

This is going to be tough.

Also, you will notice my blogs are shorter this segment. This is because I am writing my papers for school during my lunch break, writing my novel while dinner is cooking, and writing this blog while they are dragging me away to the mental institution.

I have followed my passions in baking pumpkin cookies, knitting a scarf, and I am going to see a play this weekend. And in December, I have big plans to get some sleep.

Simplicity :/
Energy :( from eating hurricane non-perishables
Mindfulness :)
Make time :)
Don't apologize :(
Fun in failure :(

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” Oprah Winfrey

There's no time! There's never any TIME!

Oh, time. You are the cheekiest little monkey. When we want more time, there's not enough time. When we want less time, there's too much time. When we want time to go slow, it goes fast. When we want time to go fast, too bad you are still in line at the DMV.

Our biggest excuse in life is that we don't have time. "I'd volunteer, but I don't have time. I'd join a club, but I'm so busy. I'd exercise, but I can't break my previous engagement with this cookie." My challenge this segment is to make time, which is going to be difficult because of my work schedule, my school schedule, and the fact that I am going to try to do the Novel in Month for Novemeber.

Novemeber is National Novel Writing month, and I am going to write one. See that? See all that resolve and self-confidence? Yeah, let's remember that come midnight on day 14. Writing is one of my passions, so this is the perfect challenge to make time, write unapologetically, and to "enjoy failure" as Gretchen Rubin would say.

You can do it too!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Simplicity :/
Energy :) (mostly from Halloween candy)
Mindfulness :)

Make Time :)
Don't apologize :)
Fun in Failure :/

"Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time which every day produces, and which most men throw away." Charles Caleb Cotton


photo by http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=active&sa=N&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&biw=1280&bih=878&tbm=isch&tbnid=lClqRMCjXU9igM:&imgrefurl=http://campusclipper.com/blog/%3Fattachment_id%3D6185&docid=z-JMOvGI8siBmM&imgurl=http://campusclipper.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/jessie-spano-caffeine-addict.jpg&w=473&h=347&ei=1I6RUMmhMOf40gH50YCoDA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=912&vpy=151&dur=243&hovh=192&hovw=262&tx=176&ty=135&sig=108161597663437873127&page=1&tbnh=139&tbnw=189&start=0&ndsp=34&ved=1t:429,i:86

Oh Sandy, Ba-ay-bee...

I think the last thing I thought I would be doing after moving to Philadelphia from the east coast of Florida is prepping for a hurricane. I think I might be losing my touch--In college, I was like an evacuation guru. "Everyone unplug your electronics and pull them away from the window. Fill up the bath tubs and elevate your valuables. Eat all those frozen tater-tots, they will not make it through the night." Now, I find myself scavenging for cases of water, fighting the storm lines at Target, and lugging my cornhole set upstairs last minute. At least I have you, blog and blog-readers.

I think my chapter on Mindfulness has been my favorite and most effective segment yet. It is the first one that I actually felt significantly happier practicing. Sure, I had some bad weeks (last week) and some bad days (*ahem* I'm looking at you, Wednesday). Still, while practicing mindfulness, I truly was more relaxed, less irritable, and just plain happier.

With such as successful third segment, choosing my fourth has proven to be a challenge. There are so many more avenues of happiness I want to explore and am not sure which one to explore next. Here are some possibilities: family, friends, passions, relationship, body image, spirituality, money, career, self-confidence, giving back...

While I have some trepidation, I'm thinking the next segment will be on passions. While I am worried that my current school and work schedule leaves very time for extracurricular activities, part of the goal of this project was to find happiness WITHIN a crazy schedule and WITHIN my normal life (whatever that means). So, what are some of my passions? Here's a list

1. Theatre
2. Singing
3. Writing
4. Drawing
5. Baking
6. Running

I feel lucky to be passionate about so many things and sometimes I always want to add something more. However, the important thing with this project is to be honest with myself. Sorry, but I'm not passionate about Mozart, I'm not passionate about Warhol, and I'll never be passionate about any TV show where two men go antiquing together.My three goals for my segment on passions will be:

1. Make time for the things you love.
2. Do not apologize for the things you love.
3. Enjoy your hobbies, even if you are not so good at them.

Simplicity :/
Energy :)
Mindfulness :/

"Cows are my passion. What I have ever sighed for has been to retreat to a Swiss farm, and live entirely surrounded by cows - and china." Charles Dickens

It's time I got back

Wow, have I been slacking. I have to say, this past week has been rotten on all fronts. I haven't blogged, I've given into distructive thoughts and actions, I haven't cleaned or been mindful, and I just snapped at the security guard for asking to see my student ID before five ("Yo' enterin from the right side of the building." Take note: Terrorist only enter the school from the left side of building after 5:00PM, but they have no such time constraints on the right side of the building).

Up until this past week, I was feeling confident that my personal "happiness project" was working. I won't let this week's set back deter me, but I would like to discuss what put me in this particular funk.

In Rubin's book, she says that to be happy one must "feel right in an environment of growth". She was referring to how when she was a lawyer, she didn't feel right, so she switched to being a writer. Now, she loves her job and feels right doing it. Well, la-tee-da for her, I say. I was a freelance actor for three years before I took my current job. There were several times I felt "right": my internships in Vermont, my apprenticeships in Philadelphia, rehearsing for tour, etc. In fact, theatre is often the very place I DO feel right: the musty smell of the backstage, the sawdust fromt he shop, the blue light that surrounds you while you're waiting in the wings, I could go on for days. However, there was a lot else connected with being an actor that felt, well, wrong: lack of health insurance, living below the poverty line, constant rejection, the cost of the business (head shots, bus rides, audition outfits, agent fees) Here is a list of side jobs I had to have to make ends meet.

1. Caterer to the stars (George Bush Sr. and the 2008-2009 Phillies. Ya know, when they were good).

2. Promo Model (Would you like a Miller High Life? No? Are you sure? But it's the champagne of beers? How about thie Leunenkeugel that tastes like fruity pebbles?)

3. Theatre Instructor (this one I actually like, aside for the early Saturday mornings of course. And the inner city schools where I was less of a teacher and more of a warden)

4. Hanna Montana impersonator (It was exactly as bad as you think it was)

5. Kids Gym Instructor (This one wasn't so bad either, except for all those sticky, snotty baby hands)

6. Box Office employee (I liked working for the theatre, but had to give it up for tour)

7. Nanny (to the stars! I like to end most of my jobs with "to the stars!")

8. Chart House Hostess (I maybe lasted two weeks there)

9. Philadelphia Chocolate Tour Guide (How I didn't get fat, I have no idea)

10. Server/Singer on the Spirit of Philadelphia (I'm on a boat! and it sucks!)

Some of these I did individually, but for the most part it was a combination of two-four of these things. And I STILL didn't make ends meet. So, Rubin, how is a single-lady supposed to feel "right" when she is working a ton of crappy jobs to support the thing she only gets to do MAYBE once a year? Rubin would be angry at me if I said that I was working to support school, and studying ASL to support theatre. She would say those are all distractions from my passion. Well, what has my passion done for me lately? What's the answer to that, Rubin? Grumpily yours, Kristen.

Simplicity :(
Energy :)
Slow down :/
Senses :(
No negative thoughts/actions :(

"Do what you love to do and give it your very best. Whether it's business or baseball, or the theater, or any field. If you don't love what you're doing and you can't give it your best, get out of it. Life is too short. You'll be an old man before you know it."~Al Lopez

Photo by: http://professionaldestiny.com/2009/09/

Stop, Collaborate, and LISTEN

You know those authentication things websites make you do to ensure you're not a robot? You know, when it says 'Please type the word you see?'Yeah, sometimes those things seriously make me question my literacy. Usually, I mess up three times and give up. Maybe I am a robot.

I interpreted an interesting article the other day about how humans are losing our listening. The world is so noisy, that we all take refuge in headphones. We've stopped listening to each other, and prefer to text message. This means that we miss A LOT, and sometimes things that are pretty important. Ever ask someone their name, and realize two seconds later that you've forgotten it? Ever ask someone the time, and when they walk away, realize that you have no idea what time it is? Listening is key to living in the moment. As part of my mindfulness exercises, I have stopped walking with headphones in. Don't get me wrong, I love music, and I still jam out to some showtunes in the office and some Pitbull or Sean Paul on my morning run. I may need to get better taste in music. However, I will say that I have found it incredibly soothing to walk around town, just listening to the sounds of the city. This is gonna sound hippy-dippy, but listening connects us to our environment. If you are concentrating on the feel of the cool air, the smell of the grass, the yellow of the leaves, and the sounds of the wind and the birds, that is when you really get the full picture.

Listening has also made me less anxious and irritable. You're brain doesn't start worrying about all the little, nagging things in your life, if it is focused on everything going around you. Also, I am a person who is easily irritated by inconsistently repetitive noise. It's like chinese water torture. Just ask my sister about the times she has bitten her nails too close to me. She is just one victim of my seemingly sudden freak outs. While this will always be a difficulty for me, I find that trying to ignore sounds, actually makes them worse, much like a tooth ache or a child. Instead, if you think of all the sounds around you like an orchestra, it somehow becomes more bearable.

I was sitting on the steps of school, when a student behind me started speaking very loudly. Usually, I would have scowled and moved away. Instead, I accepted it and listened to it, like a sudden trumpet solo. I found that if I paid attention to it, it didn't annoy me at all. I have also been attempting to listen to people closer in conversation, and what I discovered is that people are FUNNY. So often, we are just riding out someone's conversation until we get to talk, or tell our story or our joke. It's somewhat backwards, but sometimes the more you pay attention to someone, the more interesting they become. I have also noticed that I have more to say, because I have follow up questions to ask.

Also, my boyfriend said it would be more aesthetically pleasing to consolidate my categories, and he knows WAY more about this stuff than I do, so here we go!

Simplicity :(
Energy :/
Slow down :(
Senses :/
No negative thoughts/actions :/

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."~Robert Frost

Original Photo byhttp://www.gnu.org/graphics/listen.html

Congrats to them on having a Yak in Headphones

Rules of Being a Grown-up

In The Happiness Project, Rubin lists her rules of adulthood. I've been thinking a lot about these things, as I think they are very connected to our well-being. I also think they are things that we would tell our best friends, but often don't apply to ourselves. So, here we go, a list of rules of adulthood:

1. Think of the big picture.

2. No one is thinking about you as much as you think. A friend once told me, "Think of all you could do, if you didn't care what other people thought." That one always stuck with me.

3. Set yourself up for success- This is something I always tell my friends when they are trying to get over a guy. Put your phone in someone's purse when you go out. Erase his number. Avoid the places you might run into the guy. I also apply it to other things in life. If you want to get homework done, but know you're easily distracted, go to the library. If you want to save some money, but know you're bad at budgeting, set up a separate account. If you want to loose weight, but have a sweet tooth, don't sit in a barrel of reese's peanut butter cups.

4. When in doubt, run it out. Those endorphins are no joke.

5. Monkeys and falling down are two things that are always funny.

6. Wear sunscreen. And a hat. And walk with a parasol if you don't think it's too socially unacceptable.

7. Never say "This is going to be so much fun!" Here's the thing- when you anticipate that something is going to be awesome, it's probably not going to live up to your expectations. The awesome times come when you're not looking for them. They're the times where you're just hanging out with friends and end up rolling on the floor laughing or bursting into song and dance at a laundry mat or suddenly being invited to the birthday party of a prominent strip-club owner (it was a mixed crowd to be assured)

8. Never wear white while cooking with tomato sauce. You WILL spill.

9. Never say "I'll just go for one." Whether it's chocolate, potatoe chips, or beer, it's never going to be one.

10. God has three answers to your prayers "Yes", "Not right now", and "I've got something better planned." I know that sounds corny, and I'm not someone who believes heavily in fates. But I do believe that things work out the way they're supposed to work out. For better or worse.

What about you? Do you have rules of adulthoood?

Also, you may notice that my checklist has shortened. This is because I remove resolutions that are either not effective or actually increase my anxiety rather than decrease. And I'm the boss of this blog, so what I say goes, got it?

Clean it up :(
Let it go :(
Eat Right :)
Act energetic :)
Slow Down :(
Senses :/
No negative thoughts/actions :(

"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."~Bob Newhart

Photo by http://amoviediary.tumblr.com/post/20915271951/peter-pan

Robbery at 7-Eleven

When I first moved to this city, I was overjoyed. I'm not exaggerating with that word; I literally skipped around the city, exploring the historic buildings, popping in every shop, and most of all--looking up. When you grow up in Florida, tall buildings are pretty rare (the base of ground is often sand and weak sediment so when it gets we the buildings sink and are you bored? you're bored well then GATOR ATTACK!) When I moved here, I looked up all the time. My NYC friends always say that's how to spot a tourist--their gaping upwards towards the top of the buildings.

After a while though, you stop looking up. In fact, you're usually looking down, as if counting the cracks in the sidewalk will get you to your destination faster. You are texting on your phone and arranging your playlist and ignoring everyone around you.

So, for the past two days, I've tried to look up. I walk for 30-90 minutes a day. I tried to turn off my thoughts, and pay attention to everything around me. I listened to the car engines in the street, I felt the rain drops on my cheek, I smelled the wet sidewalk, and I studied the concrete on the rooftops.

Mostly, what I first started to notice was real estate. I mean, who gets a roof deck, a yard, AND a parking spot in this city?! Ridiculous. But besides that, I start to appreciate things. I appreciate the cold weather that I used to adore as a kid. I appreciate the puddles on the sidewalk. I actually played the glad game while being mindful. "I'm glad that dog has spots, I'm glad that plant is so green, I'm glad my sweater feels cozy" and on and on. It's a lot harder than it seems. Trying walking for 30 minutes without thinking about what happened last night or what you have to do a work today or what vacation you want to take next. Thinking about nothing takes SERIOUS effort. Still, I will say that it really does help me experience what is happening now, and let go of what happened or will happen. That heaviness that usually falls over me stays away as long as I focus on my surroundings.

I mean, how else would I have noticed the man run out of 7-eleven with a back-pack of stuff and all of the employees run after him? That would have been something growing up that I would have saved and shared with everyone I knew at school the next day. Now, it's so commonplace, I barely watched to see if they caught him (They did. Who tries to rob a store in a red jumpsuit anyway). We get so used to things, and we take so much for granted. We gotta look at each moment as something new, before it passes and we look back wishing we'd appreciated it more.

Clean it up :/
Let it go :)
Eat right :(
Act Energetic :/
Slow Down :(
Use your senses :)
Stop Bad thoughts/Actions :)

"When I look down, I miss all the good stuff when I look up, I just trip over things"~Ani DiFranco

Photo by http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Don't_Look_Up_Here.jpg

Mind the Gap, the dog poo, and anything else that will seriously ruin your day

As I end the chapter on Energy, let's take a look at what we've learned.

1. Eat when you're hungry, not when someone else is hungry.
2. Don't let yourself get hangry
3. Take the stairs
4. Look at the big picture
5. Less choices, more decisions
6. It's better to be kind than right
7. When someone throws a cigarette, duck.

It's a little hard to tell if I am more energetic or not. However, the most valuable thing I have learned is to know your limitations and your physical tendencies. I have learned to eat at 11 am and 3 pm, because it is what makes me feel best and helps me maintain my weight. I have learned that I can actually get a lot of homework done on my lunch break, but will not be able to form a coherent sentence between the hours of three and five. So, I do work during lunch, and relax, blog, or run errands during my foggy times. Even if I'm not super peppy and energetic, following these patterns has truly improved my mood and made me feel more productive.

The next segment of my own personal happiness project is called Mindfulness. Psychology today defines mindfulness as "a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." There is SO much talk about mindfulness these days, and especially it's benefits for people with anxiety and stress (which is pretty much everyone these days).

The problem is, I don't really have the time or desire to meditate for fifteen minutes everyday. Who does? I'm looking to create mindfulness in my own crazy life. To do this, I'm going to focus on three things:

1. Slow Down
2. Listen to the senses
3. Stop negative thoughts or actions

Mindfulness is something I think is beautiful and SO darn difficult to achieve. How do I stop the carousel of to-do's from spinning in my head? How do I stop daydreaming of being a Broadway star while I'm typing people's salaries? How do you get your mind to just not go anywhere than where it's supposed to be? My brain needs like a canine crate, because it's rolling around in a hamster wheel right now, and I have a feeling it's gonna get stuck under the couch and everyone's gonna forget about it.

Clean it up :)
Let it go :)
Eat Right :/
Move more :)
Slow Down :/
Use senses :)
Stop bad thoughts/ actions :/

"Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today."~Seneca

Photo http://www.today.ucla.edu/portal/ut/using-mindfulness-to-reduce-stress-96966.aspx

A Debutante Goes to Community College

I imagine there must be some of you out there who are thinking, "What could possibly be so exhausting and complicated about this girl's life? She doesn't have kids yet, she's got her health, and all she has to worry about is work and school." I'll say this, you are correct. By all accounts, I should be waking up as Susy McSunshine, ready to lead the marching band down Main St. Therefore, to get us all on the same page, I would like to tell a most lamentous tale, of a girl who graduated with a BA, only to return to the tragic world of academia at Community College.

The school did not allow new students to enroll online, because we are living in the medieval times (where's my liter of diet coke, wench?), so I stood in line for a couple of hours to get into the class. When I received my receipt for the class, I noted that they had overcharged me by $700. They overcharged an ACTOR $700. After several unanswered phone calls, I went to the college in person. They said that they had charged me the non-resident fee and that I would have to return with my lease. I came back the next day, and they said that would not be enough, I would have to return with my lease AND a bill. I returned the next day, and they printed a receipt saying they refunded the $700. I checked my bank account--no such money. I called, and they said they were sending a check. No such check. I went back to the school and they said they had no record of a refund and no record of my residency. I asked to speak to the manager (or whatever the community college admin equivalent is) They sent me to another office. I showed my refund receipt, printed on the college letterhead, and they said they had no record of the transaction in the computer. Finally, I raised my voice and demanded to speak to the top-guy, whoever that was. A woman came out with a post-it. "Write your name and address on here." and then turning to the administrator. "Send her a check."

I have learned that all official financial transactions should involve the f-bomb and a post-it note.

I am enrolled in a two-year program, and have been for the past four years. Thanks to cancelled classes that the college did not want to pay for, I have met people who have been in the same program for eight years. You could be a lawyer by then. You could be a lot of things by then.

A little description of the environment. There were escalators to get from one floor to the other, but only one out of six worked at any given time. There is a line of dirt that circumnavigates each classroom, which students claim is the the reminents of afro-spray. There are no wipe-off boards, only chalk boards. There is never any chalk available to the teachers, so they are often forced to hide it in various parts of the room. The amount of gum under the desk is so large, that one cannot discern if there once was wood in its place. The artwork and profanity etched into every desk should be it's own "student works" display in the art department. The "student life" bulletin board should be a place for club meetings and student government announcements, but is instead a place for "Missing persons" notices and "Pregnant and don't know where to turn?" flyers. The bathrooms might be cleaned once a week, but usually are a place for people to make toilet paper confetti and steal the locks off the stall doors. What the hell are you doing with bathroom stall locks anyway?

Friends, I wish I was exaggerating. You just can't make this stuff up.

So, yes. I should be doing cartwheels. I should be whistling to little blue birds and baby deer as they help me clean my apartment. But when the transcript department finally answers my calls after three years of my attempted contact, and tells me I need to stay in this 11th circle of hell for another year because they only want to give me and English credit for Acting 101 (English=Acting, you learn something everyday!), then I start to lose it. The I want to start exchanging my cartwheels for roundhouse kicks, and my whistles for some venison. And I'm a vegetarian.

Clean it up :)
Let it go :(
Eat right :/
Move more :/
Act Energetic :(

"it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing..."~Mrs. White "Clue"

Photo by http://boofsbookshelf.com/2010/04/13/boofs-whisperings-im-freaking-out/

No negativity? No chance.

Today I saw a crazy woman on the street throw a cigarette in the face of a complete stranger. I turned sharply, ready for the fight, but the victim shook her head and said, "Are you out of your mind?" I was amazed at her restraint, but still, you have to admit, it's hard to stay positive in this crazy crack-head town.

For the past two days, I have been trying to make it a whole day without saying something negative. Both days I have completely forgotten half-way through. Here's the thing. People like to say negative things. We love to vent and gossip and bond over our pains, but it has been shown that this actually does not make us feel better. That is why I was trying to be positive for a whole day, even when my initial instinct is to complain. This is hard to do, because as I'm realizing, I'm a pretty cranky person. Oh, how I love the sarcastic, the dry, the woe-is-me.

A man I dated briefly once called me "nice." That's why it was brief. Nice? What's nice? Nice is not funny or smart or talented. This man clearly had no understanding of who I was. Nice is boring. Nice is what you call people who you hope to never see again. "Oh, what did you think of her?" "She was nice. So dull I wanted to stab myself in the knee with my fork, but nice!" These days there's not much to say about being "nice." Except that there is.

Being in theater, I am surrounded by people who are funny and entertaining. They are people who you meet and are instantly like, "I want them to be my best friend!" It's our job. We know how to make an impression. Still, think of the most important times in your life, the big moments, the moments that stick. You may find that you can recall funny quotes, but other things come to mind that never leave. I once had a friend tell me, "You are so genuine. I hope you never lose that." It was out of the blue. It wasn't funny, but it was so kind. It was nine years ago. I remember gossiping with another girl in college, venting about something mean someone said about me and oh-no-she-didn't and all that. The girl looked at me and said, "Yeah, but you're way too smart to get caught up in all that, right?" Just like that, my negative comments were flicked off like a light switch. "Well, yeah, no, I mean...I don't care" was all I could say. What she said wasn't entertaining, but it was honest, smart, and kind. That was also all of nine years ago.

I guess this blog is more about kindness then being positive, but maybe they go hand-in-hand. One of my adult truths is that "It is better to be kind, then to be right". As a lil' Miss Know-it-All, I LOVE to be right, especially in school. But isn't it sometimes better to let someone talk and be themselves and have their self-confidence? Why do I need to correct them? I may not have changed my cranky attitude yet, but maybe I can see when I'm being, well, just plain mean.

Clean it up :)
Let it go :)
Move more :/
Eat right :/
Act energetic :(

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."~Ralph Waldo Emerson
photo by http://www.maine.gov/dps/fmo/MainesReducedIgnitionPropensityCigaretteLawNEW.htm

Attack of the fog!

Does anyone else's brain get like this? I have been trying to think of something to write for the past 20 minutes and it's like a fog has drifted over my brain. This is definitely what people call the afternoon slump. It's the perfect time for a nap, but I have a feeling falling asleep at community college would result in being kidnapped and sold into Russian slavery like that girl in Taken. Shut up, I love Taken. Fine, I'll see the sequel by myself.

I think part of the reason for this haze my brain seems to be swimming in is the fact that I am breaking all my rules today. I stayed up too late last night working on writing a new kid's show. This brought me a lot of happiness at the time, but led me to only get six hours of sleep, which many people might be used to, but makes me one cranky bunny. I have also been trying to eat big breakfasts and smaller lunches, because this was said to improve your energy level. Well, I managed half a yogurt this morning, and God knows why, but the bag of popcorn I bought from this crappy cafeteria, doesn't seem to be cutting it. Add poor eating, little sleep, no exercise, to a rainy day, and nd you've got one zombie who is dangerously close to sending her hand through the mail machine on accident.

I read a very interesting article on the President the other day. First of all, he only gets six hours of sleep a night. Man, the country would be in bad shape if I kept that kinda sleep schedule. I'd be all like, "Where's my animal crackers and juice box?! You're all fired! This whole country is fired! You all are a bunch of jerks!" and then I'd cry because I was missing a button or something. Also, he only wears navy or grey suits, because he doesn't want to have to decide what to wear each morning. Disappointed as I was to find out that we will never see Obama leave the White House in say, Seersucker, his limited selection makes sense. Like I said before, more choices actually make us less happy. Also, apparently making decisions drains our energy level and hinders us from making other decisions in the day. Think about if someone starts asking you a lot of questions "Red or blue?" "Red" "Hot or cold?" "Cold" "Tall or short?" "Uh..Tall" "Should we invade this country?" "Oh my God, I don't care anymore" It might not go exactly like that. Again, let's all be glad I'm not the president.

Still, the president says he would rather spend his decision-making abilities deciding on things like foreign policy rather than the type of suit he wears. Just another supporter of my "less choices, more decisions" policy.

Now can someone DECIDE to get me a pumpkin spice latte and a pillow before I have to go to class? Thanks.

Clean it up :(
Do it right :/
Let it go :/
Move more :(
Eat right :(
Act Energetic :(

"Most consequential choices involve shades of gray, and some fog is often useful in getting things done."~Timothy Geithner

Rule #1: Never let yourself get hangry

I think that one of my revelations through this project has been that my personal definition of maturity is the ability to focus on your "big picture". Often this involves delayed gratification, but the ability to make choices that benefit your "big picture" is what makes you more mature, and most of the time, happier. For example, should you go out partying or stay in and study for an exam the next day? The mature decision is pretty obvious here, but it means putting off the instant gratification of having fun at the party. Still, there are always other parties, but you probably can't retake the exam. This is just one example, but for me, it applies to a lot of things. Sure, that entire tin of cupcakes looks delicious, but in the end it will make me feel like hell to say, eat five of them at 3 am and won't do great things for my waistline either.

So, what is your big picture? Mine involves the typical dreams of a wonderful family in a beautiful house in a place that I love to live, but it also involves being heavily involved in theatre, having a successful career as an ASL interpreter, and somehow creating all of the food dishes I see on Pinterest while still managing to look like Charlize Theron until I'm 60. Screw it, I'd stand for looking like her now.

In summary, I'm a pretty typical woman in my late twenties wanting it all, as they say. And for me this means keeping my eyes on the prize. Sure, there's gonna be slip-ups. There's gonna be times when your only dinner utensiles are a spoon and a jar of peanut butter. But overall, you've gotta always think of what will help your overall happiness, not your immediate happiness. This often means letting things go, giving things up, and putting down the spoonful of cookie dough.

clean it up :)
do it right :)
let it go :/
move more :)
eat right :)
act energetic :)

"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you."~Maya Angelou

photo by http://www.armypictorialcenter.com/the_big_picture.htm

It's still a reusable bag, even if I never reuse it.

Do you get double the bad karma if you FINALLY bring your recycled bag to the supermarket, but forget to tell the cashier so he puts your groceries in a plastic bag, which you then have to carry home IN your reusable bag because you don't have a free hand?

Also, I'm on the second to last chapter of The Happiness Project and Rubin does a whole section on "Pollyanna Week"! Not that I thought my idea was entirely original; I just don't want to get sued.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm no stranger to the energy game. I read Prevention magazine. I watch Dr. Oz at the gym. I might be 50 years old. Still, I know certain rules.

1. Get enough sleep--well, duh.
2. Eat regularly--not a problem, my friend. There are snacks to be had, you just have to know which office to wander nonchalantly into to find them.
3. Drink water--especially if you drink coffee. Coffee has caffeine, which can perk you up, but if you don't drink enough water it will dehydrate you and slow you down. Insert the "The more you know" rainbow star here.
4. Exercise--I'm pretty good about running in the morning. Except when it's cold. Or raining. Or looks like it might rain. Or if I reach the snooze bar in time...

Still, I thought I should research some more strategies. Here are some that I found on the world's most accurate and reliable source--the internet.

1. Change your socks in the middle of the day--Really? I can only sometimes get ONE pair of socks on, and you expect me to remember another? Highly unlikely.

2. Splash some water on your face--Listen, I don't get my make-up done until half-way through my morning, so I'm sure as hell not gonna mess it up an hour later.

3. Avoid the mid-day cocktail--Wait, ya'll are drinking in the middle of the day and didn't tell me??

So, clearly, not all energy tips are plausible for all people. Still, day two of taking the stairs has gone relatively well. To save time, I've allowed myself to take the elevator down (since you don't do a lot of working moving down stairs) and walking back up. Some of my research did make me feel better about my energy levels, though. I read that we as humans are usually wired to feel a little groggy in the morning, then get productive around lunch time, then need a nap in the afternoon, then get a surge of energy in the evening , and then get tired again in the evening. This is way some countries take a "siesta" in the afternoon, and return to work in the early evening, when they can be more productive. The rest of us just have to nap in a back hallway with our head propped up on a folded pipe-and-drape during our lunch break (ah, apprentice years)

The point is, listen to your body. I get hungry at 11 am and 3 pm, so I split my lunch in half and eat them at these times. I am more productive in the morning, so I sometimes wake up early to finish homework. I am exhausted by 2:30 pm so I sometimes skip my run and watch a back episode of America's Next Top Model. Just kidding. It's Say Yes to the Dress.

Clean it up :/
Do it right :)
Let it go :/
Move more :/
Eat right :)
Act energetic :/

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”~ Marcel Pagnol

Photo by http://www.whattovisitinmalaga.com/siesta-live-longer/

The song is not called "Love in a Broken Down Escalator"

When I finish up my degree, I'm going to find a special type of hypnosis that helps me to remember Sign Language, but completely erases the trauma I experience as a result of community college. Where else would you hear that a student needs to take a semester off because she was head-butted? Where else would you see an afro-spray line on the classroom wall marking past students' heights? Where else would their be more writing on the desks in profanity, than on the blackboard?

In an effort to "move more", I chose to make a resolution: No using the elevator at work. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I work in what is literally called "The Tower". I go from the fourth floor to the first floor and in between about ten times each day. Still doesn't sound like a big deal? Well, I congratulate you on being less lazy than I am. It's a harder habit to break than I thought, especially towards the end of the day, when I'm so tired I want someone to wheel me out of the building on a dolly. In fact, several times, I walked into the elevator, not paying attention, and then sighed as I stomped back towards the staircase. Still, I made it through one full day. It wasn't so bad, though I don't think I necessarily feel like I have more energy. Maybe it takes some getting used to. Add the run I had this morning, and the fact that I'm too broke to buy a subway token and thus will be walking EVERYWHERE until tomorrow, and I'd say I sufficiently fulfilled the "Move more" requirement.

The problem with a Happiness Project, is that no one else is doing it with you. You can be so proud that you've tackled nagging tasks like writing emails or returning gifts or hemming skirts (Damn, I still have to hem that skirt tonight..), but that doesn't mean the universe is gonna give you a cosmic pat on the back. More often than not, the person will not reply to your email, the store will be closed, and the hem will fall out the next day. It takes A LOT of energy to be vigilant in your attitude-- to smile and say that it's all going to be fine, and not fall to your knees yelling "KAHN!"

Clean it up :(
Do it right :(
Let it go :(
Move more :)
Eat better :)
Act energetic :(

"'Not knowing is part of the fun.' Was that the motto of your community college?"~Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory

photo by http://www.rebeccahjamison.com/2011/05/sleep-best-mothers-day-gift.html

Alligator Spotting at 3 AM

Reader, I have a confession. I have grown bored. As I read Rubin's Happiness Project, I am finding myself less inspired. Because this is my own personal project, I called a meeting of me, myself, and I, where it was decreed that I could do whatever makes me happiest in my happiness project. Ergo, I am ending Simplicity month early in my eagerness to move on to another focus: Energy.

First let's review what we learned in our time focusing on Simplicity

1. No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are.
2. Follow your passion, no matter what people think.
3. Cleaning out your closet is incredibly satisfying.
4. Take your time while licking envelopes.
5. Tap dance is difficult.
6. Take time to talk to people.
7. Bring an extra pair of shoes.
8. Be glad.
9. Less choices, more decisions.
10. Watch more Boy Meets World.

One additional thing that I learned was emphasized in Gretchen Rubin's book. "Happiness does not always make you happy," she says. Sometimes, in concentrating on happiness throughout the day, you end up seeing all of the ways you fail to be happy. You become acutely aware of the purse-lipped looks of disapproval you give people, and the way you feel like drawing frowny-faces on forms that were incorrectly filled out and then slapping them on the person's desk like a school marm. Discouraging as this awareness can be, at least I am aware of it now. I notice when I am not compartmentalizing, or not being grateful, and isn't that the very root of change?

In the spirit of change, my next segment will be on Energy. I will not drop my goals from Simplicity, but add to them. I notice that I am significantly more awesome person when I have energy. I am more fun, wittier, and I get a whole bundle more done throughout the day. We all complain about energy. Somehow, when we join the workforce, our ability to pull all-nighters, take an exam, and then party on a boat until 5 am dwindles(I'm sorry, was that not your college experience?). How do we get our energy back when our lives are oh so busy and taxing? I plan to focus on three things this segment.

Eating better
Moving more
Acting energetic

I'll elaborate more tomorrow, but let's look at my ratings for today

Clean it up :(
Do it right :)
Let it go :)
Eating better :/
Moving More :)
Acting energetic :)

"What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy"~Voltaire

photo by http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs41/f/2009/048/6/5/Im_on_a_boat___Lonely_Island_by_bradjolly.jpg

What would Mr. Feeny do?

You know you are broke when you are planning to save money by wrapping a gift in magazine pages, and then you realize you can't afford to by a magazine.

In The Happiness Project, Rubin discusses the important of pursuing your passion. I see a lot of people struggle with finding their passion. Many often work on something they feel they should be passionate about. They should listen to more NPR, read more biographies, or play online poker. Whether it's what their friends do or what society thinks they should do, they pick something, that in the end doesn't bring them happiness. To find and pursue your passion, you must be truly honest with yourself as to what you like.

For example, for a while, I made a rule to turn off the TV during breakfast. I thought it would help me appreciate the quiet and my mixture of slow-cook oatmeal and peanut butter (Remember what I said about the addiction? I wasn't kidding). The truth is, my favorite part of the morning is having Boy Meets World on in the background. I mean, if you need a small jolt of happiness, I highly recommend watching the episode where Tapanga takes the bus from Pittsburgh to see Cory in Philadelphia. Or the one where Eric stalks Tapanga the entire episode and ends up in the couch cushions. Or the one where Sean joins the mob to make money for Christmas presents. Ok, even I know that one is a little far-fetched, but still, it is the perfect way to start my day.

Rubin says that to find your passions, you should look at what you liked when you were 10 years old, because you probably still like them now. The problem is, that people are not willing to admit to liking the same thing they liked when they were 10. Those novels I wrote began to look silly, and I hid the cartoons I used to draw under piles of homework, but why? I love to write, and I love to draw, but because I'm not the best at it I hid my passions away or dismiss them.

This week, I plan to start writing a new children's show I've been thinking of, sing show-tunes at the top of my lungs, and even draw a picture or two. Because one of my "truths of adulthood" as Rubin calls them, is "No one is thinking about you as much as you think they're thinking about you." So, let it go! And watch Boy Meets World. You can learn a lot from Boy Meets World.

Clean it up :/
Do it right :(
Let it go :)

"I'm a damsel, but not the distressed kind, one who's totally calm and in complete control of her own destiny."-Topanga. Boy Meets World

photo by http://boymeetsworld.wikia.com/wiki/William_Daniels

DON'T go home and kick the dog

The rule for women in the workplace is "Never let them see you cry." Personally, I'm curious as to the rules about hiding under your desk or devouring half of the donuts in the second floor office.

I am just the worst at compartmentalizing. I have trouble remembering things, so I keep a to-do list running in my head at all times. This often means that when I'm at work, I'm running through things I need to do for school, and when I'm at school, I'm thinking about the work day, and when I'm at home I'm thinking of buying a pint of Ben & Jerry's to have for dinner. Yeah, like you haven't done that at least once...

Often times this causes me to be distracted and not particularly pleasant. In seeing a group of friends one evening, I found myself unable to make my usual jokes and dreamed of the moment my head would hit the pillow. So, how do you "let it go". How do shed the daily annoyances and stresses and be your usual happy go-lucky self when you're done for the day?

First of all, we love to think that multitasking is a more productive way to get things done, but we're wrong. It's the "I can totally have 12 tabs open on my computer" theory. Studies show that it causes people to be less efficient and more stressed than when we focus on one thing at a time. Basically, I should focus on work at work, school at school, and Pinterest at...well, anytime in between.

Secondly, writing things down has always been an excellent way of letting things go. Creating a physical and thorough to-do list means I don't have to keep it up in my over-capacity brain. It is said that venting doesn't always make you feel better. People think that talking about their bad day will help release stress, but many times it causes you to refocus on it. That being said, I have found that keeping a journal helps me get all the crazy out, and let's me think a little more clearly.

In theatre we always say "Check you baggage at the door," which means, don't let your outside life affect your work in rehearsal. So, maybe if I think of each thing in my life as a different rehearsal, I can check my desire to roll my eyes at the waitress or yell at the cab driver that they HAVE to take my credit card, because IT's the LAW.

When that fails, never underestimate the healing effects of a brief but complete nervous breakdown.

Clean it up :/
Do it right :/
Let it go :)

"Again, don't waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions. Go "Over! Under! Through!" and opinions will change organically when you're the boss. Or they won't. Who cares?

Do your thing and don't care if they like it."~Tina Fey. Bossypants

photo by http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2257863/?forumpage=3

Papercuts on your tongue or Why I hate Wednesday

Some days you just wake up feeling less than glad. It's hard to look at the shampoo that exploded in your back-pack and think "I'm glad that it's not a jar of tomato sauce" or to forget your dinner at home and think "I'm glad I get to eat this low-carb cardboard proetin bar." I call those days Wednesdays, because for me, they are the WORST.

In my quest to keep things simple this month, I have really strived to "let things go." I've stopped checking audition pages for shows that I could never possibly juggle with my schedule, and I've stopped trying to squeeze in every little party or social event that pops up. It's not easy, because like everyone else, I like to believe I can do it all. What? You mean I'm NOT like Hermione in Harry Potter with her little hour glass that lets her be everywhere at once? Oh, don't worry friends. There are plenty more HP references where that came from.

People often think that the more choices there are, the better. I call this the breakfast cereal policy. Why do we need an entire aisle in our grocery store dedicated to cereal? Don't get me wrong, I love cereal so much that I can't keep in the house or I would eat it for three meals a day. But why do we need 20 different types of Cheerios? Studies show that having too many choices actually makes people more anxious and frustrated than having just a few choices. The reason it is often difficult to make a choice is that you know that while you are gaining one thing, you are also leaving other things behind. If you pick on color crayon out of a box, you are letting go of all your other options. That's why it's easier to pick a color out of a box of 10, rather than a box of 52. Pick one out of the first, you're only leaving nine behind. Pick one out of the latter, you are leaving a whopping 51 crayons that you cannot use.

The point of this ever mature and intellectual Crayola hypothetical, is that I need to stick by my philosophy of having less choices and more decisions. It's fine to have two or three events to choose from, but I should limit it to that. The other important thing is that once you have made the decision, let it go. Often people don't even enjoy their choice, because they are wondering about "what might have been," like the man who doesn't taste his soup, because he's wondering if he should've ordered the salad. It's important to think about your decision, make your decision, then stick with your decision.

Oh, and did I mention I got a papercut on my tongue from licking envelopes today? It hurts about as much as you would imagine.

Clean it up :(
Do it right :(
Let it go :(



"Did you ever have to make up your mind? You pick up on one and leave the other one behind It's not often easy and not often kind, Did you ever have to make up your mind?"

Read more: LOVIN SPOONFUL - DID YOU EVER HAVE TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/did-you-ever-have-to-make-up-your-mind-lyrics-lovin-spoonful.html#ixzz26wzso7Kn
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